Christ Pisses His Life Away (Chapter One)

1 I hate everything.

2 I’m standing here with a banging headache, pissing into an open storm water drain. Yes, we have those, even though it never rains here. 3 Actually, that’s not strictly true. It’s raining right now. Does not my amber stream arc so brilliantly in the sunlight? 4 And am I not doubled over with a sudden fit of the giggles at this? Oh, how pretty! 5 Oh, goddam. Shit. My head!

6 So, I’m trying to draw with some extra twirls. 7 And then I gaze with admiration at the acheiropoietic image I’ve made on the wall. 8 I’m so engrossed in this urine street art that I don’t notice an old tatterdemalion who happened to be sitting right in the line of fire. 9 Well, I notice now. He’s soaked, and he stinks. 10 I’m debating whether or not to apologise to the old dero. 11 And why am I still able to use big words like acheiropoietic and tatterdemalion when I’m clearly pissed?

12 God. Questions without answers. Life’s full of them. 13 Like, why is my carpentry business failing? No one wants to buy stools around here. 14 Am I expecting too much? 15 To have people want stools instead of parking their cheap arses on the ground with the donkeys’ own stools?

16 ‘Tasty! Splash some more down here, dude!’

17 Okay. 18 It seems my moral dilemma has resolved itself and that miracles do happen after all. 19 Praise… Elohim? Is that what I’m supposed to say at this juncture? 20 Here in the mud and the piss and animal shit, I’m wondering why someone would deliberately want to gargle down my number ones. Maybe it’s a fetish. 21 The man puts out his hand, then changes his mind and holds out an alms box instead. 22 But my bladder is empty now, so I give him an apologetic shrug instead. 23 His look of expectation sours.

24 ‘What good are you then?’

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017

40 thoughts on “Christ Pisses His Life Away (Chapter One)”

  1. Yeshua was probably not a carpenter in the sense you’re portraying him. And considering how small Nazareth was it is unlikely that his ahem “business” failed. They didn’t really have businesses in that sense. He would have been required for any number of repair or building tasks. It’s not like it is in Gibson’s Passion where he’s sitting around making goods to sell. They didn’t exactly have a consumer based free market. Which incidentally is why The apostolic witness sometimes refers to money itself as evil, acquiring money was not accomplished through hard work but rather underhanded means.

    I don’t see the point of this attempt at “parody”…is it supposed to be funny? Is it supposed to be some sort of biting satire? It seems to fail at both.

    Honestly you could have made it much funnier by actually learning about the subject instead of using pure anachronism. The main comedy in Life of Brian stems from their research into the era and a focus on the messianic religious fervor of the day. Almost everything in that film is connected to something historical. When anachronism is inserted (the English private school grammar lesson) it is connected to the theme (Latin grammar…which is also connected to a private English education actually). It’s also notable that the Pythons completely avoided mocking Jesus. They did this for a variety of reasons. I think that might have something to do with why this..,whatever it is supposed to be…is kinda crappy. I don’t get this at all. It just seems lazy…and potentially antisemitic. Anti Semitism is almost always the result of anti religious bias. Ironically enough Christ Mythicists actually are engaged in anti Semitism. The uh “Jews” must have been pretty stupid since they’ve always maintained the basic facts of the Apostolic witness.

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    Reply

    • Hi, Aaron. Thank you for taking the time to read our story. We wouldn’t call this a parody or biting satire to be honest with you. It’s just a story we wanted to write, so we did. Is it funny? That’s certainly up for debate. What different people find humorous can be a subjective thing. That you didn’t find this to be so speaks perhaps to your own life experiences and the lens through which you view the world. In fact, this is probably true for all of us with any given thing that may not be to our taste.

      I personally find the Bible to be a remarkable literary work, and it definitely outshines our own efforts however one chooses to look at it. Having said that, I can’t say that either of us cleaves to said Bible in any spiritual and/or religious sense which is something our little story would have made abundantly clear. Is our effort a cracking read? Not by your estimation it would seem, and that’s quite okay by us. We can’t please everybody, and nor would we attempt to. You won’t be missing out should you decide to move on and ignore such efforts in future. The choice is no doubt yours, and we certainly wouldn’t begrudge you for making it. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

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