Christ Pisses His Life Away (Chapter Three)

1 If any of this ever gets written down then I hope they get their facts straight.

2 How long have I been hanging here for? 3 Damn, it’s hot. And my bladder’s on fire. I’m in agony and I can’t scratch myself. 4 When the legionnaires offered to put me up for the night, I didn’t think they quite meant like this. 5 It’s small wonder that I hate wedding banquets now!

6 Bottomless throats. Sateless stomachs. I had no chance. 7 Who could meet that kind of demand? No one, that’s who. 8 None of them could have cared less for the happiness of newly marrieds. All they wanted was a holiday in Cana to brown the brow, and round after round of my patented Holy Spirit to fill their swollen bellies. 9 Self righteous, narcissistic guzzlers of dwindling decorum. Every last one of them!

10 I guess it’s my own fault really. 11 Maybe I shouldn’t have pressed my ‘apostles’ to water down the whizz, but by god was my tallywacker beat! It was ready to gasp its last, you could say. 12 How many baths did I manage to fill? Who knows? 13 All I do know is my bladder’s as pulverised as a palm frond after a locust convention.

14 And Judas… What the hell, Judas?! What were you thinking? 15 You know you can’t hold your liquor, so why did you drink the merchandise? 16 ‘But whosoever drinketh of the water that I willst giveth unto him shallst never thirst!’ you declared. And you declared it to the whole damn gathering! 17 ‘But the water that I willst giveth unto him willst becometh in him a well of water springing up to eternal life!’ 18 And then you pissed all over the High Priests. Marvellous. Just marvellous. 19 I can’t take you anywhere. I should have left you out the back to calculate our profit margin.

20 And that’s the problem, isn’t it, Mr Iscariot? You play well with numbers, but not with other human beings. 21 Yes, reading ledgers is an important skill, but so is being able to read facial expressions, you sot! Could you not see how livid they were? Utterly hopeless!

22 And why, oh why, did I let you spread those rumours about my so-called ‘miracles’? 23 ‘This will drum up more business,’ you said. ‘More clientele means more tongues at the tap,’ you said. 24 So you had me walking on water, feeding multitudes with a fish finger and two breadsticks, raising people from the dead, and erecting underwater bridges for molluscs fleeing Jewish persecution. 25 Lie upon lie upon lie upon… well, that last one was just plain weird.

26 Dying is not fun. 27 I think I’m dying. Am I dying? Is this what that feels like? 28 I know how to pass water but I’ve not experienced passing from life before, so I can’t definitively say. I don’t think I want to. 29 Still, I keep passing out, so I’m disconcertingly aware of my own mortality. That cannot augur well for my immediate future. 30 Death. Can’t say I’d recommend it.

31 The pain is shocking in its unrelenting intensity. My entire body’s a buzzing mess. 32 How can there possibly be this much blood? I can’t breathe. 33 The tirade I’ve composed in my head escapes as a truncated wheeze. ‘Thanks for nothing,’ is literally all I can muster. 34 Yes, God, thanks for nothing. Just sit there like you always do, and do nothing.

35 First, my carpentry business folds. 36 Then I discover that I can piss wine. 37 Then some opportunistic, money-grubbing ‘followers’ come along and exploit me for all they can get. 38 This involves a clever marketing campaign that promises the public magic shenanigans and quaff-worthy wazz while they’re being entertained. 39 I become said public’s darling. 39 Judas then goes and defiles some elite, paying customers with his own subpar wee while they’re drinking my diluted wee, 40 and then flees with the rest of the apostates at the first sign of trouble. 41 That’s when said public breaks up with me, and the High Priests begin baying for blood instead of my formerly one hundred percent honeyed liquid. 42 What next? Oh, that’s right. Death. Praise Elohim. 43 I’m of a mind to come back and haunt the bastards.

44 I rue the day my pecker piddled on Peter. Sorry. Simon.

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017

31 thoughts on “Christ Pisses His Life Away (Chapter Three)”

  1. 35-43 The New Testament in a paragraph. Tony, will this replace the customary 3 hour Catholic flogging on Good Friday? Just gathering some thoughts for my dance off with the Naughty Nun.

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  3. I still don’t get it…this is a story? What exactly is the story part? There’s no plot and there isn’t really even any characters. It’s just internal ravings of an unpleasant person.

    Are you under the impression that Jews used to like seek out unclean foods to eradicate them? I’ll admit that concept is kinda funny. You should write a story about that. Some Fundy kosher nut who is trying to make the whole world kosher…you could call him Don Jewote.

    You did have an interesting take on Yeshua’s use of Psalm 22. That may be the most unique thing about the Abrahamic faiths is that not only are expressions of disgust/anger/resentment towards god not considered bad but are actually a sign of holiness. It shows genuine trust and love to express dissatisfaction with god, he can destroy us after all. And the fact that people like Job, David, and Jesus trust God enough to express their displeasure towards him shows that from a biblical perspective pushing back on God when we experience evil and disappointment (especially when it’s expressed in disrespectful ways) is a good thing.

    And for the record you had to actually lift yourself up to breath during crucifixion. The primary way people died was from asphyxiation. You addressed that a little bit at one point but the rest seems to imply he’s just hanging there. He would have had to keep pulling himself up over and over, pulling down against the nails in his forearms or hands and up on the nails in his feet. That’s why they would go break the legs of those they were executing when it was time to end their lives. No leverage to push up on.

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    • So sorry to be commenting out of nowhere. But if you think this piece is difficult to understand, try reading rest of their works (they don’t make much sense either).
      These guys like to use some pretty weird ideas and words into their works. Half of their readers are confused whether it was serious or sarcastic.
      I think tony is sick to death of evangelists, hence he has given whole new meaning to ‘converting water to wine’

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    • I think you have more of an understanding of what we’re trying to achieve than you think, 9tankz. You’re absolutely correct when you highlight our love of weird ideas and words. Yup, we love to put all that stuff in. It’s how we play! We have our fun crafting something then fling it out there to see how people receive it… which is also fun. The reactions are often a pleasant surprise, and never disappointing. As for evangelists, I would agree with your assessment there. I really don’t trust them at all. Tati’s the same.

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