Tati as TATI
Tony as TONY
ACT 103 SCENE 54
A SPOONFUL OF SARCASM & WOE
Two weeks ago…
Tony’s kneeling near the living room wall in sackcloth and ashes, wailing his sad little heart out. He’s smacking his brow against the wallpaper very hard.
TONY: No sleep, no rest for my tormented soul!
Tati walks in, licking a spoon smeared with cherry jam. She wonders what the hell Tony’s wailing and smacking about. She can see that the wallpaper’s taking quite a beating. She mutters under her breath.
TATI: And no money for new wallpaper.
TONY: Oh, I weep!
Tati sighs with great resignation. She senses a tedious conversation ahead. Time to make it interesting.
TATI: The only logical explanation for this is you’re rehearsing ‘Prince Igor’.
Tony stops smacking and wailing, and turns to face her.
TONY: Huh?
TATI: If so, I suggest you perform the ‘Polovtsian Dances’ in the second act. It’s my favorite part. I bet you have the voice of an angel.
Tony’s heart warms with gratitude.
TONY: Aw, what a lovely thing to say!
TATI: A castrated angel.
He looks at her like he’s been slapped with an electric eel.
TONY: Well, I never…
Tati gives her spoon another lick. It’s clean now, and she seems to be quite pleased with herself.
TATI: Never say never. Anyway, what’s gotten your panties in a bunch this time?
TONY: It’s our Patreon. Ah, me! Ah, woe!
TATI: Did you forget the password again?
TONY: No. I have it tattooed on my inner thigh.
Tati makes a mental note to change the password as soon as possible.
TONY: We’ve lost a patron. And now we’ve gone down a whole dollar! We’re going to starve! We’re going to die!
Tati looks at her spoon. That’s food for thought.
TATI: And you suppose your wailing will attract a new patron? I think not! More likely you’ll chase the remaining ones away. You could do something more useful than ruining our flat in an orgy of grief you know.
Tony puts on a petulant face.
TONY: Oh, and seducing new patrons with your saucy condiment licking skills is more useful?
Tati gives her spoon a musing lick.
TATI: There’s nothing saucy about jam.
Tony is quite exasperated now.
TONY: I don’t give a damn about your jam, Tati! We need more bloody money!
TATI: And you need to chill out. There’s always a solution to these things.
TONY: Then tell me what it is!
Tati looks at her spoon again. Unlike Tony, she seems calm and collected, almost contemplative even.
TONY: You and that fucking spoon…
Tati ignores him.
TATI: I’ll tell you what we can do to give our Patreon a new lick of life. We can make our own comic.
Tony’s voice takes on a sarcastic tone.
TONY: Comic? What an unexpected solution! Isn’t this something we do already? Oh, and by the way, the expression is ‘lease of life‘.
TATI: Yes, comic. But a better one. A super-puper wonder comic. One that’s exclusive to our Patreon. And maybe our Ko-fi too.
TONY: I don’t drink coffee!
TATI: Who cares? I do.
Tony rolls his eyes.
TONY: So, Super-Puper Wonder Woman, what is this comic going to be about?
TATI: Do you remember those two creatures you callously killed off in your ‘Crumble Cult’ webcomic?
TONY: Killed off? No. I’m afraid I’d remember something like that.
TATI: Think. They were tiny… and completely, utterly helpless.
TONY: This isn’t making me look very good…
Tati points her spoon at Tony in an accusing manner.
TATI: They even had names! How could you?!
TONY: What the hell?! No, I don’t remember this at all!
TATI: Exactly what a killer would say! Mork? Brandy Snap? Do these names ring a bell?
TONY: OH! Marth and Bramwell!
TATI: Yes, exactly what I said. Anyway, we can resurrect them. We can kill them on!
TONY: That makes no sense…
Tati ignores him.
TATI: They can be the main characters of the new comic we’ll write and draw. And I have an idea about the first strip…
Tati gives her spoon another lick before remembering that there’s not one dollop or iota of jam left on it.
TATI: Let’s discuss this over biscuits and jam.
Tony slowly gets to his feet, spreading ash everywhere.
TONY: I’ll go to the kitchen then.
TATI: No, you’ll go to the store. There’s no jam left in the house.
A sarcastic tone creeps into Tony’s voice.
TONY: Fine. What flavour does her royal highness want?
TATI: Hm. Peach. I’m feeling very peachy today.
Present day…
TONY: Well, what shall we write for our introduction? We’ve got to let people know about our new comic strip.
TATI: Let’s discuss this over biscuits and jam.
TONY: I’ll go to the kitchen then.
TATI: No, you’ll go to the store. There’s no jam left in the house.
TONY: I’m feeling a sense of déjà vu. Let me guess… peach?
Dear Readers,
While Tony tries to navigate his way through the supermarket revolving door, and Tati plays a hyperviolent video game where she kills waves and waves of mutant jam roly-polies, you have time to hop over to their Patreon page to read the first instalment of their new bilingual comic strip, ‘Marth & Bramwell’. And you can also read it on their Ko-fi page if you prefer.
This strip will be a free, ongoing feature that you’ll be able to read at any time. It will be updated monthly with a fresh episode. You can even bookmark their Patreon or Ko-fi page so that you won’t miss a single one. They have plenty of adventures in store, so stick around and please enjoy!
by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2019
