your personal jesus

i am what i am
your very own spinning wheel
spin me until you get what you feel
or put me on a car, i will get you far
or put a hamster in me so
we get nowhere fast, i do not care

take me down off the tree
whenever you need a reason
i am your dedicated fruit machine
a revolving door of tide & whim
a cog in the christian fascist regime
a twist of the key in a nail scarred hand

i am what you say that i say i am
at which point i frankly don’t give a damn
whatever you need is all i can be
but there is one thing i would ask of you
to put me back when you are done

by TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2026

golgotha souvenirs

the label on the art print says:
untitled, blood on paper
the artist: christ, the time: back when
crucifixions were the trend

the theme: a story, old as time
man on man bloodthirstiness
buy two prints, the third one’s free
pay with cash, lord have mercy

the seller: yellow smoke-filled beard
wrists bandaged with dirty rags
he’s dragging on another spliff
how far can one push this grift

he flips the tap & fills a glass
with something red, takes a sip
says if i don’t like what he drew
there’s magnets & corkscrews too

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2024

ABSURDIS EXTREME // Case Study #201 [24/04/2014]

Once upon a time, my belly was made of cookie dough. I don’t know how or why it happened. Or even when. One moment I was crushing whole anvils with mere stomach crunches, and the next I was resisting the urge to bake and eat myself.

It’s thanks to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ that my prayers were heard, and that there were suddenly peanuts and raisins in my belly! I was able to pick these out and be satiated without giving in to the horrifying temptation of chewing on my own flesh. Who chews flat dough without raisins anyway? Nobody but godless heathens, that’s who!

All this to say that this is why I believe in miracles. A real life one happened to me that day and I’ll be eternally grateful for it. I mean, what would have happened if I’d eaten my own belly? I would have had no belly left to… fill my belly. And then where would I have been? Damn. Such a scary thought!

And then they invented chocolate…

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2023

Believe in Yourself

It was a dark and stormy night. As always, I hid under the blanket with an apple, a copy of the Encyclopædia Britannica and a tiny flashlight.

On this occasion, I was engrossed with the sixth volume (Châtelet to Constantine), namely the entry on Christmas. I needed to prepare my arguments for next week’s theology club dispute. And I considered it a ‘dispute’ because rarely was the debate civil. It tended to be more like a wrestling smackdown of biblical proportions.

According to the text, the body of gospel tradition began not with the birth, but the baptism. And Herod the Great ordered the ‘massacre of the innocents’ which was news to me. Hm. Were there really three wise men? Mum and Dad never said anything to me about a census either. And why were the dates listed vague at best?

Anxious, I stared at the holes in my hands. There was no way I was going to win with such lame argumentation. In frustration, I bit my flashlight instead of the apple. Everything plunged into darkness.

But then I pulled myself together. No, those who’d believe would… well, simply believe. I adjusted the light of my halo over the page and read on.

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2022

Tusks and Shells

I was the Walrus
who fought with the Carpenter.
(His workmanship sucked.)
But I should have held my tongue
—he turned me into oyster!

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2020