Big Fish

Once upon a time, there was a girl and a boy, and they got up to all sorts of mischief. No, they weren’t bad children. They would just get bored on a lazy Sunday afternoon, that’s all. Actually, they’d get bored any old day of the week – it really didn’t matter when. They were in constant need of stimulation to keep their creative juices flowing, much like overripe cows in want of round-the-clock milking. That’s why the boy and girl were always poking their curious, little noses into different things.

So, the girl and the boy were feeling quite nebby. They sat there, swinging restless legs over the edge of a bridge high above a river flowing with ideas. And the adults! They had such serious faces! Why were they beached there on the riverbanks below just doing nothing? Well, that wasn’t entirely true. They were writing books and editing magazines… which looked like important stuff.

The boy and the girl exchanged glances. While she had his attention, the girl gave the boy a cheeky wink. The boy gave a goofy grin in return. He was a bit shy. The girl’s heart warmed at this, but she didn’t let on. Instead, she said, ‘I bet we can make a magazine too.’ The boy piped up, ‘Can we?’ He studied her resolute face with a mixture of interest and bewilderment, and that’s when he knew she was for certain going to do something about this.

She grabbed his hand and said, ‘Let’s go!’ And so they sprang from the bridge and plummeted into the river of ideas. They didn’t even come up for air. Ideas were where they lived, so they definitely had the gills for it. Actually, that’s not entirely true. They had the gills, certainly, but they did come up eventually… and they had a big, wet magazine cover with them. It flapped and it dripped, but the girl and boy held onto it tightly, and they were proud.

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017

THE CRUMBCAST // Lovers of a Lesser God

I hate being preachy, but I feel I might have crossed that line with the latest Crumbcast. I guess this stems from the fact that I’m finally ready to reveal what I really think when it comes to relationship and religion (with a dash of sexy sex thrown in for good measure). Of course, it’s not as if the world is breathlessly awaiting my opinions! I’m certainly under no illusions about that. Really, I’m only doing this because I want to. If someone’s willing to listen… then great!

Also, it’s only fair that I warn my religious friends and readers that some of the views expressed in this episode may be offensive to them. While I don’t feel it necessary to apologise for said views, I do want to acknowledge the distress that they may cause. So, please do be aware that I don’t take this lightly, and that I hope we can at least agree to disagree. It would be grand if we could still be chums anyway. Yeah, let’s give peace a chance, man!

Oh, and please do feel free to read Matching Jeremy Tang for some much needed context regarding this installment of the podcast (which can be found below). Crumble Cult is my baby, so I enjoy having people fuss over it! Hint. Nudge. Insert winking smiley here…

by TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017

Holes and Constellations

Every so often, we like to brag. You know, just a little bit, but not too much. We don’t want our readers thinking we’ve gone and gotten too big for our britches now, do we? (Actually, what exactly are britches?)

Anyway, we’re capable of blowing more than bubbles from our noses. That’s what we’re trying to say. We’re serious chaps, we are! Well, a chap and a chapette. Ugh, you get the point.

Some of you may remember. Some of you may have forgotten. Some of you may have no idea whatsoever. But, yes, we kinda wrote two books last year, and even contrived to shove them into different, funny places called Amazon, Barnes&Noble, and iBook. And maybe somewhere else. We aren’t sure that we remember all of them.

Since then, the literary world has been set abuzz with a tizzy of excitement. Well, a bunch of readers decided to pay some attention to us. Okay, now guess a riddle, Dear Readers. J.K. Rowling has 20,665 what? E.L. James has 68,027 what? Tati and Tony have… TWENTY-FIVE! What is this? That’s right. REVIEWS.

Okay, that isn’t the total number of reviews we’ve gotten. This is just for one book so far. Both have gotten a fair bit of attention which means that James and Rowling need to beware! We’re nipping at your heels, guys! Do you see our gnashers glinting in the moonlight? But don’t worry. We’ll be gentle.

By the way, all the reviews we’ve received so far are 100% certified honest! We’re as proud of our one star ratings as we are of those reviews with five. No bullshit! We earned every single star, so we’re going to show them off for the world to see! Behold our brazen peacockery!

In the meantime, Dear Readers, please do check out our new dedicated Reviews page, and if you like what you see then why not check out Hole-in-the-Wall, our online shop? Our books are available there, and they’re waiting for literate new owners to claim them. Would you be so good as to give them a home? Now, if you don’t mind, we’d like to continue strutting our stuff and blowing funky bubbles from our noses… Pop! Pop! Pop!

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017

Teti-à-Tête (With Tony) #6

crumble-cult-210

Tati as TATI

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Tony as TONY

ACT 5 SCENE 3
THROUGH THE LOOKING HOLE

Set in the lounge room of a cosy three-storey tree house in an unspecified fantasy location.

TATI is sitting in a comfortable armchair. She is reading a book entitled ‘Unicorn Farts: How the Rainbow was Born’ with a serious face.

TONY wanders in, wearing a sandwich board advertising something called Hole-in-the-Wall’. He turns to the reader (that’s you) and bellows…

TONY: You! Hey you! Yeah, reader! This is a hardcore sales pitch!

TATI: What the hell?

TONY: Buy our stuff! Buy it now! Buy it or die! (Well, everyone dies. Eventually.)

TATI: Tony…

TONY: Just goddamn BUY our stuff so we can get filthy stinking rich and avoid paying taxes like the top one percent! Yeah. Just… YEAH.

TATI: Tony.

TONY: Do it, man! And woman. Plural.

TATI: TONY!

TONY: What?!

TATI: This is shit and you know it. It wouldn’t even hook a dead fish.

TONY: Huh?

TATI: Take off that silly hairpiece, please. You’re not Donald Trump.

TONY: I’m only trying to spruik our new shop page.

TATI: Hole-in-the-Wall isn’t a fly-by-night pyramid selling scheme. It should be presented with dignity.

TONY: Fine. I’ll be boring then. Dear reader, Hole-in-the-Wall is our new shop page. You can find it here on Unbolt Me, and it features our first two eBooks. Eventually, we will have other stuff you can buy as well, but for now please do enjoy our literary offerings.

TATI: Amen.

TONY: Oh, and our books will help you to lose weight. Maybe even get rid of dandruff and carpet stains…

TATI: Tony! Are you an idiot? Do you want to be beaten for your shameless lies?

TONY: Frickin’ women. Can never make ’em happy. Not ever.

THE END

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2016

THE CRUMBCAST // Talking Without Hearing

Previously on The Crumbcast, Tati was trying to teach Tony Ukrainian, and Tony kept failing. This left her wondering what crimes she must have committed to be saddled with such an idiot.

Ever the kind soul, she kept persisting in this fruitless endeavour.

Meanwhile, Tony sighs and begins rambling about anything and everything that his poor, addled brain can think of. His infected ear. Sound’s cheating ways. Racist weather conditions. Yup, he yammers on about it all.

Dear lord. Such a to do! Will Tony ever learn to cope with Ukrianian? Will Tati ever learn to cope with his nonensical singing? Find out by clicking the picture below. It’s real magic for the digital world!

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2016