SPAM® Sushi #8

Hi there, I just wanted to say, you’re wrong. Your post doesn’t make any sense.
— zqmjbogx

Which one, dude? We have 657 posts now. And, actually, only a handful of them make a lick of sense—yeah, the ones where we awkwardly promote our books or pathetically cajole money out of our readers’ pockets. Otherwise, they’re all complete bullshit. So, you’ll have to be more specific if you’re going to insult us, bro.
— Tati & Tony (Two Idiots Who Are Going to be Rich and Famous Only After They Drop Dead)

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2019

Tati & Tony: Rock ‘n’ Roll Creatives!

Любий читаче, ти розумієш це речення?* If so, you’re in luck!

Intrigued? Details a smidge later, but first things first…

For the past five years, Tony has been faithfully writing and drawing the webcomic Crumble Cult, the existential adventures of Ernest Crumb, a professional fucker-upper of life. No one fucks up quite like he does! Tati joined this creative project about two years ago, and sincerely hopes that she hasn’t spoiled things.

Recently, Tony has gone back into the archive to give earlier strips in the series a bit of spit and polish. No longer satisfied with the original text’s aesthetic, he’s painstakingly updated it to be more reader friendly. Yes, that means you, dear reader! Your comfort matters!

By the way, do you know how many strips Tony has produced so far? Button would say, “One, two… twenty-gazillion!” But let’s be realistic—it’s substantially less than twenty-gazillion, but way more than one or two. Let’s just say it’s enough to fill two or three volumes of a book series which is exactly what Tati and Tony are currently working on behind the scenes!

But even that isn’t enough for this crazy international duo! Tati has also been working her trilingual ass off to bring you a Ukrainian version of the strip. Yes, that’s right! Soon you’ll be able to read a whole book of comics that have been translated into Ukrainian, so please do look forward to that!

И конечно, мы не забыли о великом и могучем’.** The Russian version won’t be long in coming.

And, if that isn’t enough, there’s also Tati’s and Tony’s Patreon page to check out! That’s where they cover their creative process in more detail. You can thrill to their behind-the-scenes misadventures until your eyes bleed in protest. What fun! (Oops. It seems they’ve been caught red handed! It’s another brazen attempt to lure you to their Patreon page and divest you, dear reader, of your hard earned cash. How naughty!)

Anyhow, it’s best not to overthink all of this. Suffice it to say that Tati and Tony can play the fools all they want… but facts remain facts. They’re preparing a comic collection. It will be in three languages. It will rock. And they’re deadly serious about fulfilling all of their plans. Just you watch!

*Dear reader, do you understand this sentence?

**And of course, we did not forget about the ‘great and mighty [Russian language]’.

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017

Teti-à-Tête (With Tony) #8

crumble-cult-210

Tati as TATI

crumble-cult-106

Tony as TONY

 

ACT 11 SCENE 7
MONEY BURNING A HOLE IN MY POCKET

 

Tati is reading an advertising booklet.

TATI: (calling out) Is $22 worth much in today’s economy?

TONY: (from another room) I have no idea. Depends on which economy!

TATI: (to herself) We should drink away our first income.

TONY: I heard that! And, no, we shouldn’t!

Tony enters the room, a disapproving look on his face. Tati holds up the booklet for him to see.

TATI: Look. Hennessy VS 0.5l, Gift Pack for $22!

TONY: NO! What the hell is wrong with you? Are you some kinda lush?

Tati pouts, then her face lights up as something else comes to mind.

TATI : We should spend it on something nice like… HATS! We can buy hats for doves in the park.

Tony does a massive facepalm.

TATI: (a little less convincingly) For the sake of their heads… So the sun doesn’t cook them?

TONY: Jesus. What is the difference between drinking away this money and buying headwear for birds?

Tati pouts again.

TONY: (ruefully) Well, I guess the birds would benefit more than your liver…

TATI: Fine. What do you reckon we should do with the first income from our Patreon page?

1265542358_ornament

Hey, Dear Readers, would you like to read more? Would you like to know how wisely Tati and Tony disposed of their $22? Then why not pop on over here? We’d love for you to see the hard work we’ve done on our new Patreon page. There’s no entrance fee, we promise!

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017

Teti-à-Tête (With Tony) #7

crumble-cult-210

Tati as TATI

crumble-cult-106

Tony as TONY

 

ACT 10 SCENE 2
THROUGH THE BLOWING HOLE

 

Tony comes into the room with a sad face.

TONY: I have news.

Tati blows soap bubbles from a little bubble wand.

TONY: Actually, it’s two pieces of news. Which first? Do you want the good news or the bad news?

TATI: Start with the good.

TONY: Okay, well… Ray gave Mooreeffoc five stars and wrote a brilliant review.

Tati continues to blow bubbles. It looks like she’s trying to get a very big one, but it bursts every time. Tony looks quite annoyed.

TONY: Tati?

TATI: Yes, I’ve heard.

She continues to blow. When another bubble bursts, she says crossly…

TATI: So, shoot! Give me your bad news!

TONY: Ray then gave One Pulse one star and wrote a… well, less brilliant review.

Tati has switched tactics now. She’s begun to blow as many small bubbles as possible.

TATI: Yes, I got you the first time. What’s the bad news?

Tony looks embarrassed. The bubbles have begun clinging to his head. He now looks like Bozo the Clown with frothy hair.

TONY: Five stars. One star. Good news. Bad news. I guess it’s all the same to you, huh?

TATI: If we want only five star reviews, we should ask our moms to write them.

TONY: But don’t we want that? Five star reviews make us look good, and hopefully we sell more copies that way.

TATI: Dunderhead! Every opinion counts! Even the ones we prefer to forget. How else can we improve?

Tati looks musingly at all the bubbles floating around.

TATI: And no one can accuse us that all our reviews are written by friends and family members. Sycophants!

Tati’s gaze settles on Tony and his ridiculous clown hair.

TATI: By the way, you need more shampoo.

She holds up an empty shampoo bottle and wiggles it in Tony’s face.

Tony tries to speak, but only bubbles come from his mouth. Each one floats towards Tati and pops, revealing a letter. They spell out…

W. T. F.

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017

Teti-à-Tête (With Tony) #6

crumble-cult-210

Tati as TATI

crumble-cult-106

Tony as TONY

 

ACT 5 SCENE 3
THROUGH THE LOOKING HOLE

 

Set in the lounge room of a cosy three-storey tree house in an unspecified fantasy location.

TATI is sitting in a comfortable armchair. She is reading a book entitled ‘Unicorn Farts: How the Rainbow was Born’ with a serious face.

TONY wanders in, wearing a sandwich board advertising something called Hole-in-the-Wall’. He turns to the reader (that’s you) and bellows…

TONY: You! Hey you! Yeah, reader! This is a hardcore sales pitch!

TATI: What the hell?

TONY: Buy our stuff! Buy it now! Buy it or die! (Well, everyone dies. Eventually.)

TATI: Tony…

TONY: Just goddamn BUY our stuff so we can get filthy stinking rich and avoid paying taxes like the top one percent! Yeah. Just… YEAH.

TATI: Tony.

TONY: Do it, man! And woman. Plural.

TATI: TONY!

TONY: What?!

TATI: This is shit and you know it. It wouldn’t even hook a dead fish.

TONY: Huh?

TATI: Take off that silly hairpiece, please. You’re not Donald Trump.

TONY: I’m only trying to spruik our new shop page.

TATI: Hole-in-the-Wall isn’t a fly-by-night pyramid selling scheme. It should be presented with dignity.

TONY: Fine. I’ll be boring then. Dear reader, Hole-in-the-Wall is our new shop page. You can find it here on Unbolt Me, and it features our first two eBooks. Eventually, we will have other stuff you can buy as well, but for now please do enjoy our literary offerings.

TATI: Amen.

TONY: Oh, and our books will help you to lose weight. Maybe even get rid of dandruff and carpet stains…

TATI: Tony! Are you an idiot? Do you want to be beaten for your shameless lies?

TONY: Frickin’ women. Can never make ’em happy. Not ever.

THE END

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2016