Why I Don’t Call Myself a Feminist

This essay was recently recorded for a podcast that I host at Crumble Cult. If you want to hear the audio, you can access it here, here or here. You can even have a listen while reading the comic strip I initially based it on. Whatever you decide, I hope you enjoy reading the original text. Words on a page can sometimes resonate more than simple audio. We’re all about options here at Unbolt Me!

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I sometimes wonder if Eve was a feminist. Yes, that Eve. The one from the Garden of Eden. That same Eve who helped herself to forbidden fruit and used the devil as her skipping rope. Yeah, she really stuck it to god because that’s just what you do when someone’s being an authoritarian prick. God, the first patriarch versus Eve, the first underdog. It didn’t go too well for her in the end but at least she stood her ground. You’ve got to admire someone for doing that.

So, Eve, I salute you… but I still won’t call myself a feminist.

So, what is feminism exactly? Well, I don’t know if I’m the best person to be talking about this. All I do know is that it’s been much maligned and misunderstood since its inception. Throughout the ages, male and female alike have been quick to vilify and tear down any woman who dares to challenge society’s blinkered take on gender roles.

Still, does anybody even know what the word ‘feminist’ means any more? There’s a snifter of an ideal at play there—my nostril hairs divine that much at least. Any scholarly text will tell you that feminism was traditionally about advocating political change so that women had equal rights with men. Oh, and no more body shaming or rape. Or beatings. Or acid. Or genital mutilation. These and other means of punishing women for… well, being women.

So, the struggle was real, and it still is. That’s a fact. Parity of the sexes has still not happened. And there’s no good reason—nor has there ever been—for why women should still be treated as second class citizens. Globally, society really needs to do better.

Now, this is not to say that I believe all women are naturally kinder or more compassionate or generous or nurturing, and that they can do no wrong. For example, I don’t think a matriarchy would work any better than the patriarchy has. People are people and will still screw things up no matter what gender they identify as. Egos, incompetence and ill intent exist on all sides of the fence.

I think it’s fair to say that we’ve all been raised to believe certain lies about our so-called gender roles. If men are really predisposed to being thuggish, emotionally stunted, money-making, bash machines then it must hold that women are simply fuckable, child-bearing, disposable, self-denying machines, yeah? And that’s the natural way of things, right? No, it isn’t, and frankly everyone suffers when those so-called ideals are the ones that continually get pushed out there. And if you think they’re not, just glance at your nearest TV.

Of course, biologically speaking, there are differences between men and women. Most men can lift really big things. Most women can’t. Women get to have lovely, squidgy chest bits. Men get to have rather dubious, dangly, nether bits. Sure, men can aim their piss as a result, and women have to jockey into position, but is that really an advantage? Women can lactate after all, whereas men’s nipples are a joke. Of course, no one wants to see a breast-feeding father. Baby will be coughing up hairballs for a month and probably will need therapy for life! Nevertheless, these differences are there, and for some reason we get scared all of a sudden. And we go on the attack. That’s a shame.

Variety is the spice of life. It would be boring if we were all the same. Women are cool. So are men. So are trans, genderless, bigender, trigender, pangender, genderqueer, Harry Potter, kitchen sink, and whatever the hell else you wanna chuck in there—it’s all good! And, yeah, I really mean that. It really is all good, so how about we stop being scared?

So, anyway, this still doesn’t address my earlier question which was: Why won’t I call myself a feminist?

Okay, so we live in a patriarchal society, yes? I don’t seriously think that can be argued against any more because… well, evidence. On the whole, women haven’t enjoyed the same rights and quality of life that men traditionally have throughout history. We men have had an unfair advantage in a lot of ways and, frankly, it’s one that’s been collectively exploited to the hilt. That’s why there still aren’t enough women in positions of influence such as business, politics, religion, etc. So, parity in these areas is important and definitely needs to be worked towards.

But here’s where I may get myself into a bit of trouble. This patriarchy I speak of defines itself through the acquisition of money and power—power mostly. And it achieves this end by stomping on the weak and helpless. It always has. And this power that people hunger for is, to me, just vile ruthlessness dressed up as healthy competition. Sadly, it’s human nature to lift ourselves up by pushing others down. I guess it’s your call as to whether or not you’re personally guilty of this every once in a while, but I know I’m sure as hell am. It’s my belief that we just cannot help ourselves.

See, it’s often the use of force—whether physical or verbal—that gets us what we want. So, if force works, why change this for a more inclusive, even handed result? And it’s this mantra that feminism seems to be marching under right now. It seems to have adopted the patriarchy’s value system of power at all costs, so much so that there are feminists out there destroying each other over who truly counts as one of them and who doesn’t—establishing a pecking order as it were. And there are even others tromping about the place trying to shame everyone else in the world into labeling themselves feminists too—as if a mere label makes all the difference.

I can’t help but wonder if feminism has become a kind of dogma. And if so, is that really progress? Is that what we actually need? More people grubbing for the lion’s share of an ever dwindling ideological carcass-pie? More money, higher degrees and greater political and corporate clout for women everywhere are fair enough things for us to strive toward, but to what end? If everyone’s out for number one—themselves—then I fail to see how this benefits women in society on an individual level. If, say, a single mother’s lot isn’t improved but there are more Gina Rineharts in the world, then how is that better?

The patriarchy has always misused power. Why should I believe that a matriarchy would be any different? People have been known to swing their dicks around no matter what they’re packing between their legs—men and women. The fact is, we need everyone, and we all need to be in it together. We all need to hold each other accountable. Woman, man, gay, straight, brown, yellow, blue collar, white collar, politician. Everyone. This Frankenstein monstrosity we call a society cannot even begin to work unless we try collectively to shape it into some kind of Adonis.

Make no mistake, I need feminism to be in this world. I need their voices to be in the mix in order to experience as many different viewpoints in life as I possibly can. I don’t know everything and I never will. I’m not always right—as much as I’d like to be. I’m not perfect. I will hold wrong attitudes about women, and say and do the wrong things sometimes. In short, I probably will be a bit of a dick to womankind at some point, and that’s why I need feminists. Someone has to get it through my thick skull whenever I get it wrong. I need to not listen to respond, but to listen to understand. And that’s why feminists need to be there, to use their voice. Hell no. Let’s make it all women. All women need to use their voice.

At the end of the day, you’re just a woman. Beauty isn’t the most remarkable thing about you. At the end of the day, I’m just a man. Having a dick doesn’t entitle me to anything. Respect is intrinsic. It doesn’t matter what gender we are. There should be no conditions attached to treating someone with dignity. No one should have to earn anyone’s compassion.

And why should I have to identify as anything in particular anyway? Can’t I just use my own name? Sure, it was given to me—I had no say about that—but I like it plenty enough, and my parents raised me in such a way that the mere thought of hurting others can fill me with shame. As it ought. I was taught to know better. Their love ever so gently holds me accountable. Isn’t that enough?

We need to stop viewing women as the weaker sex, the fairer sex, or the whatever sex. Women aren’t in need of rescuing or being won like a prize. Nor are they victims. The more we see them as victims, the more we’ll kick them while they’re down, and then they’ll never be anything other than victims. You don’t need to be a feminist to comprehend that. The women in our lives are worth so much more than a label.

And to you women out there, remember this: You are real. You are all woman. You are human. You are whomever you want to be. And nobody can take that away from you.

by TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017

84 thoughts on “Why I Don’t Call Myself a Feminist”

  4. I’ve never identified myself as a feminist for the reasons that you’ve stated above. Drawing stark boundaries doesn’t really appeal to me because people get left out for that reason, and problems start arising as a result. Thanks for posting this, Tony! I feel like this really needs a signal boost now.

    Liked by 2 people

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  5. I loved this. I am a feminist and I have always been one (even if I didn’t know what to call myself). I feel like being a feminist allows you room to believe in different things. To me, it’s equality for all humans, it’s treating everything living with respect.

    Liked by 2 people

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  8. What a nice, balanced expose on this subject. As for my myself, I love being “woman” within all the A to Z good and not so good in my being, and thankfully, I was taught to seek God in everyone and everything that touches my life, so that all the waves of feminism over decades has not been an issue for me…men and women were created for good, plain and simple…we each have to find that truth in ourselves and share it with others…amen!

    Liked by 2 people

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  9. Damn. Amid these understanding comments where’s a troll when you need one? I’ll help you with the much needed drama and heated discussions:

    Well do you know how unfair this world is for women? Men occupy all the power positions and force women to work for lesser wages. Well, have you googled famous actors and found out most were men? Did you know how unsafe women feel whenever she steps out of her house? No!!! Because all men are pigs. That includes you Tony.
    Don’t speak up on topics about which you know nothing. Men are all evil….and this is what feminism is all about.
    😛

    Liked by 2 people

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  10. As a guy, I believe in equal rights for both sexes, so I vote accordingly, but I hate hearing the term “feminism”. Every English professor I had in college was a feminist, and I initially thought feminism was a good thing. Then it happened. I saw a so-called “feminist” video that painted a very dim view of men with millions of views and likes. It was a video where a group of sassy 9-10 girls said, “We need to teach boy not to rape.” It pissed me off. Boys aren’t born rapist. I’m not a rapist just because I was born a boy. Since I don’t demonize the opposite sex, I won’t accept having my sex demonized.

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    • I can appreciate where you’re coming from, Roman, and you’re right. People shouldn’t be demonised just because they were born a boy or a girl or whatever. I think there will have to come a point when society learns to look past notions of gender to the human being behind the label. Hopefully this is something that can happen within our lifetime.

      Liked by 2 people

    • “Boys aren’t born rapist. I’m not a rapist just because I was born a boy.”

      Few, if any, people say that.

      The statement “we need to teach boys not to rape” is not a commentary on the nature of boyhood/manhood but rather a commentary on our society. All too often our society teaches boys & men that they can do whatever they want, particularly with regard to women. Society teaches that men are owed whatever they want from women. It’s systemic and almost invisible as an influence throughout media and how our social system is set up.

      For example, there’s a town in my state that was recently a focal point for this issue. The local high school football players gang raped a woman at a party and posted video to social media. They’d been doing this (assaulting young women) for generations. The town looked the other way, even the local sheriff was active in covering it up. None of the boys on the football team had ever faced any consequences, which taught them that raping women was perfectly fine and acceptable because a) they were athletes and b) they were male.

      Another example: when a Stanford swimmer was caught in the act of raping a woman, what was the first societal concern? The damage that a conviction might do to his reputation and swimming career. Virtually every article during the trial included his swimming times. Again, this shows readers that the important thing is not that he assaulted a woman (and he wasn’t sure what he’d done wrong), but the damage the trial could do to his career.

      Liked by 5 people

    • Additionally, when we have legislators talking about “consensual sex” and “nonconsensual sex”, they’re teaching boys that rape is ok. When we have legislators trying to redefine rape, we’re teaching boys that some kinds of rape are ok. When we have legislators pushing laws that specifically say women can’t withdraw consent, we’re teaching boys that rape is ok. When we have a society that for centuries, and still today, argues that there can’t be rape in marriage (because saying “I do” during the wedding gives perpetual consent), we’re teaching boys that rape is ok.

      (FWIW, there are no such things as “consensual sex” and “nonconsensual sex”, there’re sex and rape. If there’s consent, it’s the former. If there’s no consent, it’s inherently the latter.)

      Liked by 4 people

    • I think you missed my point. I am not saying rape doesn’t exist, and I’m most definitely not saying rape doesn’t needs to be addressed. Rape still needs to be addressed by society as a whole.

      However, you cannot generalize the behavior of a whole group because of a few. The statement “Teach boys not to rape” paints a broad generalization of all boys and men in society. Consequently, you are trying to rectify the generalization made by the statement with your example. You fail to understand the statement is a fallacy. By demonized and generalizing men as a whole the statement fails to create any positive impact.. “Teach boys not to rape is” is sex shaming at its worst.

      We can discuss rape without resorting to fallacies to make a point. We can discuss the issue without shaming a person for having been born boy. Without demonizing a sex.

      The words you choose to listen too do have a significant in the images you create in your heads.

      (Briefly, feminism was started by men. Study English literature, and you’ll learn this truth. It’s unfortunate, most modern day feminists don’t know this.)

      Liked by 2 people

    • Sorry, Roman, I don’t think I missed your point at all. However, I do think you missed mine.

      “Teach boys not to rape” isn’t a broad generalization of men. It’s a commentary on our society, a society that broadly teaches men that rape is acceptable (not every man accepts this, not every man goes through with full fledged rape, but far too many go to the catcall and harassment level). The statement is not a fallacy. The statement shames no one. The statement doesn’t demonize sex.

      The statement addresses the fact that 90+% of rapists are men. The statement addresses the fact that our society tells men, in so many ways, that women owe them. The statement demonizes rape (which is not, by any means, the same as sex).

      (FWIW, I’ve been studying literature for 20 years, including earning a B.A., M.A., and PhD in the field, as well as producing more than a few peer reviewed articles and a peer reviewed book in the field. That said, as a classical, medieval, & early modern historian, I’ll disagree on your statement regarding feminism’s origins.)

      Liked by 4 people

    • I’ll add that your response “Boys aren’t born rapists” is a straw man fallacy. That’s not what “Teach boys not to rape” is saying, thus you’re constructing a false argument to respond to. No one has ever, to my knowledge, said “Boys are born rapists.” What they have said is that our society teaches boys that rape, or some kinds of rape, are acceptable.

      Liked by 4 people

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