MMORPB // Tati & Tony in Raiders of the Lost Snark Part Ten [Finale Part Un] (Moderately Multiplayer Online Role Playing Book 18+)

or: EPISODE 10 [FINALE PART UN] // Where Tati Takes on Royalty and Tony Takes on Porn

In our previous episode, Tati’s magical umbrella dropped her and Tony into the middle of a zombie pandemic. She decided to use it once more to get them out of strife but made the mistake of relying on Tony’s imagination for the next destination...

Princess Bubblegum was combing her luxuriously long, pink hair in front of her crystal pier glass when it happened—a flash of light and two sticky, naked bodies tumbling onto the floor beside her. While Tati was looking with ill-concealed contempt at all the pink and white bells and whistles lying about, Tony rushed to the corner nearest the door with a happy, girly scream.

“My suitcases!”

Bubblegum leapt to her feet in order to ‘cut him off at the pass’ as it were, only to be reminded that she herself was in little more than frilly lingerie. She grabbed her terrycloth bathrobe with the blue unicorn pattern and quickly covered herself up with it. The nude girly man was now pawing at the combination lock on one of the suitcases. Hell, was he actually making whining noises like a lost puppy?

While Bubblegum was busy choosing the words that princesses should say in such situations, Tati acted in a much less courtly way. She rolled her eyes, jumped to Tony’s side, and ripped the suitcase from his hands. She then headbutted the combination lock. It popped open without a hassle, springing the lid and spilling the suitcase’s contents all over the floor. It was at this point that Tony’s eyes widened in a look of startled recognition. Tati was about to start another slanging match with him when she noticed the same thing too.

It was just one colourful magazine among many. They goggled down at it, the magazine all plopped open like an unfolded garment on a laundry pile. It was the centre spread that had gotten their attention. Tati and Tony gaped like fish at a bait market, then directed their gaze at Bubblegum. They said in unison…

“Princess Bubblegum has titties?!”

Bubblegum’s face reddened as she covered her chest—even though it was already covered by a bra and bathrobe. “That was a different time!” she blurted defensively. “I had to make ends meet, and Marceline sure wasn’t going to do it with her stupid rock band antics!”

Tati’s face was a mixture of disbelief and disgust. “Yes, but… with hamsters?!”

Bubblegum looked down in shame. She wasn’t proud of it. Not at all.

“I thought it was sexy!” offered Tony politely. He’d seen the princess’s look of shame and sweetly—or was it selfishly?—wanted to wipe that away. It didn’t work. Her eyes flashed with a sudden resolve, and she fixed them with a steely, uncompromising stare.

“You saw it, and now I must kill you.”

Tony squeaked in terror. Tati folded her arms, making sure to stand between him and Bubblegum. She felt quite protective of her hapless friend. “Just try it,” she said in a barely audible voice that clearly meant business. “I will punch your face so hard that you’ll need a staple gun to attach it to your head again!”

“Your empty threats won’t work on me, byotch!” growled Bubblegum.

“Oh, come on!” spat Tati. “What’s the problem anyway, your pink lewd majesty? Everyone was young once. Everyone was making mistakes. You’re in fine company!”

Tony was drooling, his mind lost in recollections of his favourite scenes from ‘Studly & Kitty’s Pussy Party Frolics Vol. 11’, starring a certain young, horny, fresh-faced princess. Tati gave him a slap upside the head.

“Stallone, Jackie Chan, De Niro and Depardieu—hell, even a bunch of other celebrities I can’t think of right now. Do you see anyone of them here trying to kill my boy Tony here?”

“You seem to be doing a swell enough job of that yourself!” Bubblegum narrowed her eyes as if this would somehow underline her point more. And then, just like that, her expression changed to a full on scowl that was really starting to look like a wad of chewed bubblegum. “You don’t understand. I need to win the championship! It’s a matter of life and death!”

Tati blinked hard. “I’m sorry? What was that?”

“The Whistling Choir Death Match Championship.”

“Oh,” was all Tony could manage, his voice sounding rather solemn.

Tati looked rather shocked.

Bubblegum nodded sadly at their reaction. “If the organisers learn of my past in porn, I won’t be allowed to participate. And then how will I win the coveted Sloppy Toppy Gobstoppy Lolly?”

“How long is this chat going to be?” Tony was rubbing his jaw, looking a little emotionally fragile. “I’m hungry!”

Tati quickly regained her composure, and went to dig in her pockets to hand him something to eat. “Shit. I forgot we have no clothes on!” She rolled her eyes at her own forgetfulness.

Tony immediately got an erection.

Tati rolled her eyes again. “Put that away before I tear it off!”

It dutifully went back down, and Tony along with it. In fact, he was soon kneeling on the floor, a visibly deflated wreck of a man, his bald head bowed in defeat.

Tati’s eyes widened. Bald head! What was stuck to the back of it? Nothing other than a lollipop! But how the hell had that gotten there? She’d thrown one at the mysterious man in black back at the Greater Cachalot Mall, but they were hardly boomerangs, so it surely can’t have ricocheted into the back of Tony’s then hairy numbskull.

Could it?

Tati tore the lollipop from Tony’s sticky scalp and handed it to him. “Have this, you boob, but I hope for your sake it hasn’t spoiled yet!” He was about to lick said lollipop when Bubblegum suddenly screamed.

“NO!”

Catch other episodes in this series:
THE PILOT // Where Tati Makes Tony Blush
EPISODE 2 // Where Tati Makes Tony Choke
EPISODE 3 // Where Tati Gives Tony a Fungus Face
EPISODE 4 // Where Tati Rescues Tony’s Suitcase
EPISODE 5 // Where Tati Grabs Tony’s Shirt
EPISODE 6 // Where Tati Supercalifragilisticexpialidociouses Tony to New Heights
EPISODE 7 // Where Tati Cocks the Hamster and Tony Watches
EPISODE 8 // Where Tati Refuses to be the Mother of Mutants and Tony Pouts
EPISODE 9 // Where Tati Battles Demonic Barbers and Tony Falls for a Bounteous Bouffant

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2020

Who Let the Pigs Out?

Dear Readers,

We are forever thinking of new ways to delight and entertain our audience. Many of you know already—and if you don’t, we hope this will be a pleasant surprise—that we not only write different strange texty stuffs but we also produce strange comicky stuffs!

So, given that boredom is the enemy of blog readers everywhere, we have taken it upon ourselves to present to you our new comic strip ‘Trottersville’. Well… technically speaking, it’s not completely new. Tony produced some original versions of this series more than ten years ago. One version was presented to the internet in black and white, and another version was in colour. It seems that he couldn’t resist the perfectionist’s obsessive need to refine and refine and refine. Ah, the mad, balmy days of youth!

Over the years that followed, this series got buried under heaps of exciting new plans and projects, but then Tati entered the room and flipped the script—in a figurative and literal sense. She saw the potential in this funny little piggy comic, and pestered Tony into bringing it back to life. And so a ‘restoration’ project of sorts was born. ‘Trottersville’ would shine again!

We like to think that the series has been further refined with this latest incarnation. Whole strips have had their scripts tweaked or rewritten from the ground up. All strips have been completely redrawn by Tony and coloured with the able assistance of Tati. Yes, even Tati couldn’t resist the urge to join in on the fun of making comics, and it turns out she’s a natural! We hope you like our work!

So, if you’re as excited as we are—and we’re pretty freaking excited!—and you wish to see our brand spanking old/new creation, you’re very welcome to join us at these online digs:

Tapas          WebToon          Patreon          Ko-fi

We plan to update these sites with a new episode of ‘Trottersville’ every Saturday, and all of them will be open and free for everyone. Sounds too good to be true, yes? But it is true!

Oh, and there will be a special surprise for our dear patrons. In addition to a new, shiny-as-fuck penny of a strip in your Patreon mailbox every Saturday, we’ll also provide the original black and white counterpart that was created by Tony back in the good old days. And we will be utterly delighted to hear what you think about our hellbent, unkosher adventure in general. Holy crap we’re excited!

Strap yourselves in, guys. It’s gonna be an oink fest!

Your Tati & Tony

PS: By the way, Tati is also hard at work translating the series into Russian. This is something that makes Tony feel insanely happy because he loves seeing strange looking pigs say ё, ю, ж and other funny symbols in speech bubbles. Maybe you will love this too. Stay tuned!

TATI’s & TONY’s DEAD POET TOUR // The Cat Metamorphosed Into A Woman. by Jean de La Fontaine

A bachelor caress’d his cat,
A darling, fair, and delicate;
So deep in love, he thought her mew
The sweetest voice he ever knew.
By prayers, and tears, and magic art,
The man got Fate to take his part;
And, lo! one morning at his side
His cat, transform’d, became his bride.
In wedded state our man was seen
The fool in courtship he had been.
No lover e’er was so bewitch’d
By any maiden’s charms
As was this husband, so enrich’d
By hers within his arms.
He praised her beauties, this and that,
And saw there nothing of the cat.
In short, by passion’s aid, he
Thought her a perfect lady.

‘Twas night: some carpet-gnawing mice
Disturb’d the nuptial joys.
Excited by the noise,
The bride sprang at them in a trice;
The mice were scared and fled.
The bride, scarce in her bed,
The gnawing heard, and sprang again, –
And this time not in vain,
For, in this novel form array’d,
Of her the mice were less afraid.
Through life she loved this mousing course,
So great is stubborn nature’s force.

In mockery of change, the old
Will keep their youthful bent.
When once the cloth has got its fold,
The smelling-pot its scent,
In vain your efforts and your care
To make them other than they are.
To work reform, do what you will,
Old habit will be habit still.
Nor fork nor strap can mend its manners,
Nor cudgel-blows beat down its banners.
Secure the doors against the renter,
And through the windows it will enter.

by JEAN DE LA FONTAINE (1621-1695)
Public Domain Poetry

SPAM® Sushi #12

Cancer in the anal canal (transitional zone) after restorative proctocolectomy with stapled ileal pouch-anal anastomosis.
TrompokAnnenrege

If you think that kind of sexy chitchat is going to get you into our pants then you’ve got another think coming!
— Tati & Tony (General Nitpickers and Anal Attorneys of Moral Outrage Due to Blatant Sexual Harassment)

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2020

TATI’s & TONY’s DEAD POET TOUR // The Man from Snowy River by Banjo Paterson

There was movement at the station, for the word had passed around
That the colt from Old Regret had got away,
And had joined the wild bush horses, he was worth a thousand pound,
So all the cracks had gathered to the fray.
All the tried and noted riders from the stations near and far
Had mustered at the homestead overnight,
For the bushmen love hard riding where the wild bush horses are,
And the stock-horse snuffs the battle with delight.

There was Harrison, who made his pile when Pardon won the cup,
The old man with his hair as white as snow;
But few could ride beside him when his blood was fairly up,
He would go wherever horse and man could go.
And Clancy of the Overflow came down to lend a hand,
No better horseman ever held the reins;
For never horse could throw him while the saddle-girths would stand,
He learnt to ride while droving on the plains.

And one was there, a stripling on a small and weedy beast,
He was something like a racehorse undersized,
With a touch of Timor pony, three parts thoroughbred at least,
And such as are by mountain horsemen prized.
He was hard and tough and wiry, just the sort that won’t say die,
There was courage in his quick impatient tread;
And he bore the badge of gameness in his bright and fiery eye,
And the proud and lofty carriage of his head.

But still so slight and weedy, one would doubt his power to stay,
And the old man said, “That horse will never do
For a long and tiring gallop, lad, you’d better stop away,
Those hills are far too rough for such as you.”
So he waited sad and wistful, only Clancy stood his friend,
“I think we ought to let him come,” he said;
“I warrant he’ll be with us when he’s wanted at the end,
For both his horse and he are mountain bred.”

“He hails from Snowy River, up by Kosciusko’s side,
Where the hills are twice as steep and twice as rough,
Where a horse’s hoofs strike firelight from the flint stones every stride,
The man that holds his own is good enough.
And the Snowy River riders on the mountains make their home,
Where the river runs those giant hills between;
I have seen full many horsemen since I first commenced to roam,
But nowhere yet such horsemen have I seen.”

So he went, they found the horses by the big mimosa clump,
They raced away towards the mountain’s brow,
And the old man gave his orders, “Boys, go at them from the jump,
No use to try for fancy riding now.
And, Clancy, you must wheel them, try and wheel them to the right.
Ride boldly, lad, and never fear the spills,
For never yet was rider that could keep the mob in sight,
If once they gain the shelter of those hills.”

So Clancy rode to wheel them, he was racing on the wing
Where the best and boldest riders take their place,
And he raced his stock-horse past them, and he made the ranges ring
With the stockwhip, as he met them face to face.
Then they halted for a moment, while he swung the dreaded lash,
But they saw their well-loved mountain full in view,
And they charged beneath the stockwhip with a sharp and sudden dash,
And off into the mountain scrub they flew.

Then fast the horsemen followed, where the gorges deep and black
Resounded to the thunder of their tread,
And the stockwhips woke the echoes, and they fiercely answered back
From cliffs and crags that beetled overhead.
And upward, ever upward, the wild horses held their way,
Where mountain ash and kurrajong grew wide;
And the old man muttered fiercely, “We may bid the mob good day,
No man can hold them down the other side.”

When they reached the mountain’s summit, even Clancy took a pull,
It well might make the boldest hold their breath,
The wild hop scrub grew thickly, and the hidden ground was full
Of wombat holes, and any slip was death.
But the man from Snowy River let the pony have his head,
And he swung his stockwhip round and gave a cheer,
And he raced him down the mountain like a torrent down its bed,
While the others stood and watched in very fear.

He sent the flint stones flying, but the pony kept his feet,
He cleared the fallen timber in his stride,
And the man from Snowy River never shifted in his seat,
It was grand to see that mountain horseman ride.
Through the stringy barks and saplings, on the rough and broken ground,
Down the hillside at a racing pace he went;
And he never drew the bridle till he landed safe and sound,
At the bottom of that terrible descent.

He was right among the horses as they climbed the further hill,
And the watchers on the mountain standing mute,
Saw him ply the stockwhip fiercely, he was right among them still,
As he raced across the clearing in pursuit.
Then they lost him for a moment, where two mountain gullies met
In the ranges, but a final glimpse reveals
On a dim and distant hillside the wild horses racing yet,
With the man from Snowy River at their heels.

And he ran them single-handed till their sides were white with foam.
He followed like a bloodhound on their track,
Till they halted cowed and beaten, then he turned their heads for home,
And alone and unassisted brought them back.
But his hardy mountain pony he could scarcely raise a trot,
He was blood from hip to shoulder from the spur;
But his pluck was still undaunted, and his courage fiery hot,
For never yet was mountain horse a cur.

And down by Kosciusko, where the pine-clad ridges raise
Their torn and rugged battlements on high,
Where the air is clear as crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze
At midnight in the cold and frosty sky,
And where around the Overflow the reedbeds sweep and sway
To the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide,
The man from Snowy River is a household word to-day,
And the stockmen tell the story of his ride.

by BANJO PATERSON (1864-1941)
Public Domain Poetry