Tony nearly jumped out of his skin. Tati merely looked back over her shoulder at the princess, fixing her with a withering look. “Hell’s teat!” she hissed. “What is your issue, woman?!”

Bubblegum was pale. Actually, more than that, she was visibly shaking. She was pointing right at the lollipop in Tony’s hand. The princess could barely contain herself.

“That… that…” She was struggling to get the words out. “That is… That’s the Sloppy Toppy Gobstoppy Lolly! Where in the Land of Ooo did you find that?!”

“Obviously sex with hamsters ruins the brain,” smirked Tati, “and now you’re babbling like one! It’s a cheap lollipop with a fresh, minty taste that I bought in duty-free. Its one redeeming feature is that it slices through air like an anvil through butter and hits its targets well. The taste is shit though.”

Bubblegum looked at Tati.  “I have a feeling you don’t understand how lollipops work. Are they all just cannonballs to you?”

Now Tati looked preoccupied. “Hmmm. Maybe I have got it slightly wrong. What do you propose I do with them instead?”

Bubblegum pointed at Tony’s lollipop again. “Well, if you’d just give me that then maybe I won’t have to kill you.”

Tony’s bottom lip wobbled. “But I’m hungry!” he whined.

“Oh, shut up!” snapped Tati, snatching the lollipop out of his hand. “I’d rather get this silly business over and done with so that I can get home and have a nice, hot bath!”

Bubblegum had her hand outstretched to receive the coveted candy when Tati suddenly yoinked it back again. “Wait,” she said to the princess, looking down and studying it with a suspicious eye. “I have a question. What exactly does this Sloppy Toppy Whatchamacallit do anyway? And why do you need it?”

Bubblegum sighed. She took the crown from her head and pointed to a big, blue pearl that adorned it. Tati hadn’t noticed this before, and was slightly annoyed at herself for not having done so. Moreover, the pearl seemed to have lost its shine, which is a detail you’d think would normally stick out like legs on a slug.

“Its protective properties weaken over time,” Bubblegum was saying. “Do you see? It loses its power, and becomes very dull. So, I need to replace it, otherwise the Lich will hold me and the Candy Kingdom in its thrall!”

Tati had no idea if Bubblegum was just speaking bullshit or if she was for real. And where was her nose anyway? She’d suddenly noticed that the princess had no nose. That was… disturbing. Tony didn’t seem to care in the slightest. He was eyeing the lollipop like it was a condemned man’s last meal.

It wasn’t an easy decision. For some weird reason, Tati knew that Bubblegum was speaking the truth, even if it sounded like the ravings of a hamster on crack. But she needed to ask another question. “Okay, so let’s suppose that any of this is true. But what the fuck with Tony’s suitcases? How do they have any connection to your idiotic Championship thing?”

“Yeah!” nodded Tony a little too sycophantically. “Explain that one, O High and Mighty Hamster Humping Princess!”

“I told you it was a rule of The Whistling Choir Death Match Championship!” shrieked Bubblegum in exasperation. “Every participant must have a crystal clear reputation, otherwise they will be banned! I don’t know why they insist on such prudish silliness but it’s not a chance I can take!”

“So…” Tati narrowed her eyes uncharitably. “So… you got the whole universe into a tizzy, and you kicked Tony and I headlong into a crazy mindfuck of a journey… and for what?! Because of some stupid, silly rules of a stupid, silly pennywhistle contest I’ve never heard of before?”

Bubblegum gave a tiny, almost embarrassed nod, as if to concede Tati’s point.

Tati stood there, arms folded across her chest, and still holding the lollipop in one hand. She studied the princess’s face closely. “Do you have something to eat at least?” She unfolded her arms and hiked her free thumb at Tony. “It looks like my friend is ravenous. I could probably do with a bite too.”

“And maybe some clothes,” chimed Tony.

“Oh, yes. Clothes!” Rueful, Tati shook her head. “And that aforementioned hot bath.”

Bubblegum finally relented, the hard line of her mouth finally melting into a teeny tiny smile. “Come with me. I’ll make sure you’re well and truly looked after. Pampered even.” She pointed at the lollipop in Tati’s hand. “As long as I can have that.”

It was at this point that Tati finally allowed herself a smile too, and it wasn’t much bigger than Bubblegum’s. Tony’s smile, however, was much bigger, shameless, and incredibly gormless—as was his wont.

“It just so happens that my new ‘Adventure Time’ movie is opening in theatres today. How about I treat the both of you to a slap-up meal at Shirley’s Rack & Grill, and a rub down at Poontang Po’s Shady Massage Spa before we check it out?”

Princess Bubblegum’s offer was a generous one, so Tati decided then and there to take her up on it. “Yes. That is acceptable. What do you think, Tony?”

Tony merely nodded like an overexcited labradoodle.

“First, let’s get you some clothes.” Bubblegum walked over to her wardrobe and flung open the doors. “I hope you like pink!”

Princess Bubblegum was combing her luxuriously long, pink hair in front of her crystal pier glass when it happened—a flash of light and two sticky, naked bodies tumbling onto the floor beside her. While Tati was looking with ill-concealed contempt at all the pink and white bells and whistles lying about, Tony rushed to the corner nearest the door with a happy, girly scream.

“My suitcases!”

Bubblegum leapt to her feet in order to ‘cut him off at the pass’ as it were, only to be reminded that she herself was in little more than frilly lingerie. She grabbed her terrycloth bathrobe with the blue unicorn pattern and quickly covered herself up with it. The nude girly man was now pawing at the combination lock on one of the suitcases. Hell, was he actually making whining noises like a lost puppy?

While Bubblegum was busy choosing the words that princesses should say in such situations, Tati acted in a much less courtly way. She rolled her eyes, jumped to Tony’s side, and ripped the suitcase from his hands. She then headbutted the combination lock. It popped open without a hassle, springing the lid and spilling the suitcase’s contents all over the floor. It was at this point that Tony’s eyes widened in a look of startled recognition. Tati was about to start another slanging match with him when she noticed the same thing too.

It was just one colourful magazine among many. They goggled down at it, the magazine all plopped open like an unfolded garment on a laundry pile. It was the centre spread that had gotten their attention. Tati and Tony gaped like fish at a bait market, then directed their gaze at Bubblegum. They said in unison…

“Princess Bubblegum has titties?!”

Bubblegum’s face reddened as she covered her chest—even though it was already covered by a bra and bathrobe. “That was a different time!” she blurted defensively. “I had to make ends meet, and Marceline sure wasn’t going to do it with her stupid rock band antics!”

Tati’s face was a mixture of disbelief and disgust. “Yes, but… with hamsters?!”

Bubblegum looked down in shame. She wasn’t proud of it. Not at all.

“I thought it was sexy!” offered Tony politely. He’d seen the princess’s look of shame and sweetly—or was it selfishly?—wanted to wipe that away. It didn’t work. Her eyes flashed with a sudden resolve, and she fixed them with a steely, uncompromising stare.

“You saw it, and now I must kill you.”

Tony squeaked in terror. Tati folded her arms, making sure to stand between him and Bubblegum. She felt quite protective of her hapless friend. “Just try it,” she said in a barely audible voice that clearly meant business. “I will punch your face so hard that you’ll need a staple gun to attach it to your head again!”

“Your empty threats won’t work on me, byotch!” growled Bubblegum.

“Oh, come on!” spat Tati. “What’s the problem anyway, your pink lewd majesty? Everyone was young once. Everyone was making mistakes. You’re in fine company!”

Tony was drooling, his mind lost in recollections of his favourite scenes from ‘Studly & Kitty’s Pussy Party Frolics Vol. 11’, starring a certain young, horny, fresh-faced princess. Tati gave him a slap upside the head.

“Stallone, Jackie Chan, De Niro and Depardieu—hell, even a bunch of other celebrities I can’t think of right now. Do you see anyone of them here trying to kill my boy Tony here?”

“You seem to be doing a swell enough job of that yourself!” Bubblegum narrowed her eyes as if this would somehow underline her point more. And then, just like that, her expression changed to a full on scowl that was really starting to look like a wad of chewed bubblegum. “You don’t understand. I need to win the championship! It’s a matter of life and death!”

Tati blinked hard. “I’m sorry? What was that?”

“The Whistling Choir Death Match Championship.”

“Oh,” was all Tony could manage, his voice sounding rather solemn.

Tati looked rather shocked.

Bubblegum nodded sadly at their reaction. “If the organisers learn of my past in porn, I won’t be allowed to participate. And then how will I win the coveted Sloppy Toppy Gobstoppy Lolly?”

“How long is this chat going to be?” Tony was rubbing his jaw, looking a little emotionally fragile. “I’m hungry!”

Tati quickly regained her composure, and went to dig in her pockets to hand him something to eat. “Shit. I forgot we have no clothes on!” She rolled her eyes at her own forgetfulness.

Tony immediately got an erection.

Tati rolled her eyes again. “Put that away before I tear it off!”

It dutifully went back down, and Tony along with it. In fact, he was soon kneeling on the floor, a visibly deflated wreck of a man, his bald head bowed in defeat.

Tati’s eyes widened. Bald head! What was stuck to the back of it? Nothing other than a lollipop! But how the hell had that gotten there? She’d thrown one at the mysterious man in black back at the Greater Cachalot Mall, but they were hardly boomerangs, so it surely can’t have ricocheted into the back of Tony’s then hairy numbskull.

Could it?

Tati tore the lollipop from Tony’s sticky scalp and handed it to him. “Have this, you boob, but I hope for your sake it hasn’t spoiled yet!” He was about to lick said lollipop when Bubblegum suddenly screamed.

“NO!”