BUT IS IT ART? // Dot Girl

TONY: So, we’re gonna talk about art again. Would you like to pick the piece this time?

TATI: Again? Why don’t we talk about cryptocurrency mining for once?

TONY: Crypto—what?!

TATI: Oh, dear me… Tony, it’s 2021 outside! The sixties are long gone. Wake up!

TONY: Already?! Damn. Time sure flies when you’re an anachronism.

TATI: Yes, your shoes and hairstyle are proof of this.

TONY: Ahem… ANYWAY! What are you going to choose?

TATI: Okey-dokey, but you should brew me some coffee if you don’t want me to fall asleep during our discussion. And where should I look? In your Instagram?

TONY: Sure! Why the hell not?

TATI: Hmmm. There are pictures here that I like, and there are others that I don’t. But I can’t question they’re art because you’ve clearly put time and effort into them. Your creativity is quite evident.

TONY: Aw, shucks!

TATI: In short, there are no bananas taped to walls.

TONY: Well, I’m not much of a fan of bananas taped to walls anyway. Actually, I’m curious as to which of my drawings you don’t like. Care to enlighten me?

TATI: Are you sure? Promise not to cry like last time?

TONY: Hey, it’s not my problem if a man expressing his emotions makes you uncomfortable.

TATI: Don’t say I didn’t warn you! Well… I think this is one I like the least out of everything you’ve posted.

TONY: Interesting! Truthfully, it isn’t one of my favourites either. May I ask why this is so for you?

TATI: Maybe because I can’t see the ‘story’ behind her. She looks dull. I don’t know who she is but nor do I care. She doesn’t make me curious to learn more about her.

TONY: So, you like drawings that give you the feeling of an underlying narrative?

TATI: It’s great but not necessary. I am also fine with simple, cute things. Even if they don’t tell a story. Even if they don’t arouse your imagination. It can still be pleasant to view them.

TONY: So… this drawing doesn’t do even that for you. Is that what you’re saying?

TATI: Yep.

TONY: Erm… okay.

TATI: Tell me her story, Tony. Make me love her.

TONY: I don’t know… Hmmm… She got her face stuck in a dot matrix printer and so that’s why she looks like this? It’s quite a tragic to-do.

TATI: Hee hee hee! Why has she done this?

TONY: Well, she didn’t do it on purpose. It was an accident. Perhaps she was trying to fix it instead of asking her butch lesbian lover to do it.

TATI: Why are they using a dot matrix printer in the twenty-first century anyway? Are they printing invitations for a sixties style LGBT party? Pray, do continue!

TONY: Why not? Even chic gals and their butch lesbian partners deserve to get down and boogie once in a while.

TATI: Oh, come on! Don’t tell me you were so smart that you knew dot matrix printers were invented in the sixties, and therefore you made that connection! I bet you just found a fancy filter in Photoshop and decided to use it!

TONY: Of course I didn’t make the connection! And of course it was just a filter I used! And anyway, I thought we were both doing some sneaky ‘backwards engineering’ here!

TATI: You old pervert! Don’t you ever dream about ‘backwards engineering’ with me!

TONY: Hey, your mind went there. Not mine!

TATI: About engineering… What if she was standing near a hydraulic press right after she smashed her husband’s head in?

TONY: What the fuck?! How does this even suggest that horrific scenario to you?!

TATI: Don’t you like the scenario?

TONY: It’s just that… well… I just hadn’t realised you were so bloodthirsty!

TATI: Oh, come on! Don’t be such a boob, Tony! Stephen King, by the way, included this film in his list of most notable horror movies from 1950 to 1980!

TONY: Smashed in heads. Boobs. Horror movies. What kind of conversation have I walked into here?

TATI: You started it all!

TONY: Oh, that’s just rich! Fine. I’ll never draw again.

TATI: But you know what, Tony? Funnily enough, you have finally done it!

TONY: What do you mean by ‘you have finally done it’?

TATI: You have made me love her! I like this drawing now! Oh, what if we have a sixties style evening? Some good old horror classics and piles of popcorn all around? Your shoes would be welcome!

(Tati rushes out of the room to make preparations.)

TONY: Cryptocurrency mining with the current price of electricity… are you kidding, Tati? To make such an evening profitable you would have needed to have it back in the sixties! But crypto art? Now that is quite a different story…

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2021

PERFECTION IN ACTION // Aesthetic Feeling

It was the blackest black. The roundest round. Nothing in the known universe could match its immaculateness. He stepped back and admired his handiwork one more time. If only someone else had been here to witness this monumental moment…

Darnel closed the toilet lid.

He reached out to flush, but stopped halfway. No way could he do this. It’d be a culture crime. Like splashing acid onto the Mona Lisa’s face. Like scratching ‘fuck’ on the ancient stone foundation of an Egyptian pyramid.

Darnel opened the toilet lid.

What to do? Oh! Instagram it! The world could thank him later.

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2020

CALIXIAN // Fishing for the Truth

“Look at this bloody thing…”

Calix didn’t look.

“Amazing. The way it uses its foot to get the garbage into its trunk, then from its trunk into the bin…”

“Darwin, I get it. You’re quite able to find one million and one reasons for procrastinating. I’ve asked you to take out the garbage at least…” she counted in her head “…four times in the last hour. It stinks like hell in here! Or are you too busy watching ‘Taking Out Trash for Dummies’ to notice?”

“What can I say?” shrugged Darwin. “Instagram’s so damned addictive. And this elephant video…”

He held up his smartphone for Calix to see. She, of course, made no attempt to engage. Maybe she could get him to drop dead of boredom. That way, he’d finally leave her alone.

“Seriously, it’s funny!” Darwin was trying to wave it beneath her nose now. “Don’t you like funny?”

Calix stuck her nose further into the laptop and kept typing. Nope. There would be no stupid comedy animal videos for her. No way! She had better things to do than watch dumb animals be stripped of their dignity for human amusement.

Her lack of response only put Darwin in a foul mood. He was like a petulant little child, swivelling on his chair and pouting. Then he stopped, and continued to fuss a finger about his phone’s tiny screen. “Fine. See if I care,” he muttered to himself.

Calix sighed inwardly. After an evening of this infantile behaviour, was he now going to leave her be?

Then suddenly: “Calix! I just remembered!” Darwin jumped out of his chair.

Calix nearly wiped the laptop clear off her desk in surprise. And the ballpoint pen. Panting, she turned to Darwin, her look promising nothing but retribution. “What the fuck, Darwin…”

“The goldfish! I found it in the toilet bowl yesterday.” He flapped his arms a little, as if this would aid in her comprehension. It didn’t.

“You… What?!”

“In the en suite. My toilet bowl. It was having a good old paddle. Happy as Larry!”

“Who’s Larry?”

“Dammit, Calix. It’s an expression. Do you have to take everything I say literally?!”

“On the contrary, I feel a powerful impulse to not listen to anything you say at all.”

Silence. It was the only decent response. Anything else would have been a waste of words. No matter what Darwin said, Calix would have a counter. So, no words. He’d clamp his mouth shut, flick through his Instagram and ignore the hell out of her.

Calix, for her part, didn’t give a damn. It was all the same whether her friend spoke or stayed quiet. Sure, she betrayed the faintest hint of a smile but that was only because she loved to annoy him. The rest of her face was kept scrupulously impassive as she positioned the laptop back into its correct place and resumed typing.

“Anyway, it’s a free country,” Calix said evenly. “Everyone can be wherever they want whenever they want. I don’t tell the whole world about your visits to the restroom and that sometimes you spend hours in there. It’s your legal right. What I don’t understand is why you don’t think the fish should have this same right?”

Darwin couldn’t help but bite. “I didn’t say it couldn’t! What I’m saying is how the hell did it get there?”

“Are you sure it was a fish? Or maybe you didn’t flush well enough and it wasn’t exactly a… you know… fish?”

“I do not shit orange turds, okay?! Jesus!”

Surprisingly, Calix started to look interested by this point. She shut her laptop and turned to give Darwin her complete attention. It was as if her inner Sherlock had suddenly activated. Yup, she was ready to pick up the trail of the murderer.

“Okay, let’s start again. What did you do in the toilet?”

“I didn’t do anything!” protested Darwin. “Well… I was going to. A number one to be precise.”

Calix nodded, and marked something in her notebook. Darwin blinked in confusion. Where the hell had she suddenly whipped that from? And was that his pen she was using? His favourite pen! Why wasn’t she using her own pen?

“Could you give me more details?”

“Hey! That’s mine!” He indicated his pen. “Get your own! The one you were chewing on!”

“Please. Don’t try to confuse the investigation.” Calix kept writing in the notebook. “Now, tell me, what did you do in the toilet on the 11th of September between 6:30am and 7:15am?”

“I said I didn’t do anything!” Darwin was flapping his arms again. (Perhaps for emphasis?) “I was going to take a piss but then I saw the goldfish in the toilet bowl and decided against it. Look, how many times do I have to say this?”

“Are you sure you’re not hiding some important details?” Calix squinted at him with suspicious eyes. “I’m certain I heard sounds at the time that testify you were not using your nether or nozzle exit. And leave the pen alone, scrooge!”

She snatched the pen away from Darwin’s grasping hands, and shot him a frosty look.

“Okay, so I chundered a little bit,” he sighed, dropping his arms to his sides. “Are you saying that’s a crime? It didn’t hurt the goldfish any!”

“And why do you think the goldfish appeared in the bowl before you started to barf, and not after? Hmmm?”

“What?” Darwin spluttered. “I don’t know! How about you tell me? You seem to know more than you’re letting on.”

Calix guffawed like a horse. “Because I saw how you were drinking water from the aquarium the day before, you idiot! You were as drunk as a fish!”

“I… what?! No! I think I’d remember doing something like that…”

“I tried to talk to you, but got only mooing and bleating. It made no sense to try and persuade you that an aquarium wasn’t the best way to tame your thirst! So, I left you alone.”

Darwin was shaking his head in an emphatic ‘no’. He wasn’t speaking now, just forming words with his mouth and making no sound. Much like a goldfish.

“By the way, you can find a video of this on Instagram.” Calix poked her phone under Darwin’s nose. “You want to like or comment?”

Darwin’s mouth was now a flat, tense line.

“Seriously, it’s funny!” She gave the phone a mocking little wiggle. “Don’t you like funny?”

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2019

Insta-BAM!

Our Dear Readers,

‘You probably won’t find here brightly colored pictures, hit songs, etc. We want to keep a focus on the texts.’ These words have been a part of our main page preamble since day one. During Unbolt Me’s more than four years of existence, many things have been modified and improved again and again, but never this introduction. What can we say? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

As for everything else… well, that’s always been up for grabs. Our efforts to refine and polish the bejeezus out of this here site have been unending. Hey, it’s fun to play around with buttons and links! Justifying text, setting up columns, and changing font colours are all exciting prospects too. We’re like two blissed out puppies in a pit of chewy rainbow balls. There’s lots to sink our teeth into!

Unbolt Me continues to be a work in progress, and the sky’s the limit. We work hard every day to make Unbolt Me look real cool, neat, and professional. We want to please you, our Dear Readers, with nothing but the best we can possibly do. When we began this blog, we knew our focus. Writings. That’s why we initially didn’t consider social platforms such as Instagram for sharing our words. It didn’t seem to make a lot of sense.

But everything, like time, flows and changes. Not only is Unbolt Me a work in progress, but our minds also. So, our Dear Readers, if you want some visual bling to go with your regular ‘Tati and Tony’ wordage, then welcome to our brand new Instagram! We aim to fill it with lovely images featuring snippets of our writings so far. And for those who prefer nothing but text, feel free to stay here and await our new written masterpieces instead. No harm done!

With love (and massive headaches from the
overabundance of social networks out there),

Tati & Tony

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2018