Moses and the Open Eyed Sneeze (Postscript)

1 Another year, another wrinkle in the face of Father Time. Moses certainly feels like that mythical figure, sans the wings, scythe and hourglass of course. 2 He sits on the porch in a rocking chair, smoking his pipe and keeping a watchful gaze over the two children playing in the sandbox nearby. 3 Gershom and Eliezer are still quite young. They’re the apples of their mother’s eye, and admittedly their father’s too. The fruit of their collective loins you could say.

4 Look at the cheeky scamps. They play so well together!

5 Moses allows himself an indulgent smile… and then sees the unthinkable.

6 Eliezer’s holding an object over a bucket in which the bubbling water is turning red. Gershom is parting that same water with another object. 7 His looks strangely like a… a phallus?! What the hell?! If that’s the very dildo that Moses tried to present Zipporah with some years ago 8 then the object in Eliezer’s hand must be the artificial va… 9 Oh my God! It’s Zipporah’s gift to Moses!

10 “Hey, you filthy ruffians! You’re not allowed to rummage through our… adult stuff! Children don’t play with parents’ toys! Gershom! Eliezer! Are you listening, Eliezer?”

11 The cute little boy Eliezer, the angel with gold ringlets, slowly turns to Moses. He smiles a disarming smile and, loudly and quite clearly, says one four-letter word. 12 Moses’s jaw goes slack.

13 Yeah, I guess he’s right. That is what you’d call it… Still, little boys shouldn’t use such profanity!

14 Moses is so shocked that his eyes remain fixed open. AH-CHOO!

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2016

Moses and the Open Eyed Sneeze (Chapter Four)

1 Craning carefully, Moses peeps into the kitchen.

2 Zipporah is fluttering about the cookstove, crooning something or other. Thank God she seems to have mellowed. 3 For now. 4 Oh, maybe she has even tried his gift? Her complexion does appear rosier than usual. 5 Moses heaves a sigh of relief. The last thing he wants is to bring another storm crashing down around his ears.

6 Zipporah should realise, after all, that he gave her that dildo not because he’s a sick old pervert, but because he cares for her. 7 He doesn’t want her to have to settle with his limp old todger, not when her sexual appetite is just hitting its prime.

8 Hey… what is she singing?! It has the lilt of a bygone era, and the words are simple and scabrous. Is it a folk song?

9 “…a young lover came to a woman while her husband went for a beer…”

10 Say what? Cold sweat breaks out over Moses’s body. He knows this song.

11 “…the lover kissed and fondled the woman while her husband went for a beer…”

12 What the hell? I’m not going to take this crap! I’ll help her to recall the end of this song!

13 Moses takes a deep breath and, stepping out from behind the door, lets fly.

14 “…but the husband didn’t go for a beer, the husband stood behind a door and listened…”

15 Zipporah jolts as if poked by an electric shepherd’s crook.

16 “Oh! Honey? Sorry… I didn’t notice you. How long have you been standing there?”

17 “…and the husband killed both of them with an axe, and after this went for a beer.”

18 Moses lets that last line dangle in the awkward silence between them. Just for a moment. He then harrumphs.

19 “I only just got here, sweeten. What are you doing?”

20 “I’m cooking something special for our dinner tonight. Would you like to help me?”

21 And, just like that, Zipporah turns back to the cookstove, a smile replacing the shocked look from seconds before. 22 Moses’s brow bunches into a frown. What is she up to? Before he can ask, 23 she faces him again with something in her hands. It’s a brown paper package about the size of a flashlight. 24 Moses searches her face for a clue. The smile is still there but with… hey, is that a hint of defiance?

25 Trepidatious, Moses opens the package. It turns out to be…

26 “What the… cunt?!”

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2016

Moses and the Open Eyed Sneeze (Chapter Three)

1 “Is this is your doing, Ze’ev? Don’t lie to me. I know your modus operandi!”

2 Zipporah throws a walnut on the table and slams it with the dildo. Bang! 3 The walnut spins out of control and takes off like a shot. It smacks against the wall beside poor Ze’ev. 4 He shrinks, taking a step back. Why is he always having to deal with this crazy family?

5 Not so long ago the weak-willed Moses was here paying for his weird order (muttering something about how a burning bush compelled him to do it), and now that same order is being brandished by his furious wifey. 6 Ze’ev is beginning to wish he’d never made the cursed thing.

7 “You love making pestles, don’t you? Be so kind as to make a mortar as well!”

8 Ze’ev doesn’t quite know how to react. What does she mean by this cryptic remark? 9 Is he ever safe with this mad woman around? It’s doubtful. 10 He nervously rubs one elbow, gesturing at the offending dildo with his free hand. His mouth is moving but no sound will come.

11 “Well, should I refresh your memory, or can you do it without me lifting my hem?”

12 Zipporah stands there, her arms akimbo, waiting for him to say or do something. Then it dawns on him. 13 She wants him to make a… 14 Oh. 15 My. 16 God. 17 When Zipporah sees the shocked look on Ze’ev’s face, she turns and leaves the workshop. She’s quite satisfied with the response.

18 I think that went very well.

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2016

Moses and the Open Eyed Sneeze (Chapter Two)

1 A real gaga. Dumb-ass! I should have zonked him twice!

2 Mercilessly, Zipporah batters the walnuts with her new dildo. Bang! Bang! 3 They’re blameless of course but she doesn’t care. 4 Bits of shells sprinkle about like muted confetti, mixed up with nutmeat similar to tiny, mummified brains. Bang! 5 These walnuts look brainier that her hypochondriac croaker of a husband.

6 Zipporah stops bashing. 7 She smiles to herself, lowering the dildo. 8 There is something she can do with this situation. Yes, there could be a way to turn it all around. 9 Zipporah throws a light shawl over her shoulders, puts the dildo in her handbag, and sweeps out of the mageireío. 10 It’s time to visit the tektōn.

11 He gives me a mere dipstick? I’ll show him where he can put it!

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2016

Moses and the Open Eyed Sneeze (Chapter One)

1 God, my head is throbbing!

2 Moses has been donged with a donger, and not just any old donger but a replica of his own donger. It’s not often that an imitation phallus is used to stave your pate in on a date. 3 And not only that, it has a more pleasing heft and rigidity to it than your unconvincing flop of nutmeat ever will. It’s the oaken tree root to your withered sapling. 4 The humiliation!

5 Ruefully, he shakes his head. Moses can’t understand why she doesn’t like his gift. Zipporah can be so unreasonable! 6 His eyes follow the sway of her hips as, zephyr-like, she sweeps out of the kafestiatório with her new dildo in hand. 7 Even now, in her great anger, she moves with the fluidity of a belly dancer.

8 God, she’s enchanting…

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2016