a Fractal

I am pressing Ctrl+S…

Now my last photo looks slightly gruff, but I wanted something like this. This shot was really good, without unnecessary guff. A hot summer day. An empty dusty road. A ramshackle road sign. A lonely cyclist under the scorching sun.

I am smoking and twisting a leaflet in my hands. I found it near my door this morning.


Young Rewired Wave – Festival of esoteric and nefarious programming languages, San Antonio Fall 2014

I am pressing pedals…

I refused the car and now I feel like a coot. I am not a glamper. I prefer to use the achievements of civilization. And now I will be more careful with the term “an adjacent town”. And also, I prefer to use cutlery when I eat.

So, when I noticed a small, shabby looking bar I was very glad. By the way, it looked quite picturesque and I made some photos for my diary. The old door was wonky and needed lubricant. But inside the bar was cute. I ordered enchiladas and beer.

I am waiting for my beer and absently reading leaflets on the table.


Young Rewired Wave – Festival of esoteric and nefarious programming languages, San Antonio Fall 2014 (to be continued)

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I like thinking underwater… and in the darkness. The most splendid thoughts visit my head in the bathroom at nights. It’s impossible to imagine an infinite quantity of the great ideas that I had during my nine months bathing in warm amniotic fluid.

But my long hard way through the birth canal… my primeval shock when I met with the external world for the first time… It erased this layer of my memory. Completely.

I know that now I can spend all my life attempting to recall… in miserable and unavailing efforts to turn diamond dust into diamonds.

But I have a whole life for it… and I will.

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a Patricide

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned! 
Forgive me, Father, for I have committed a patricide!

…It was an ordinary day. It was an ordinary day except for one fact. It was the day when I became unindentured. I became unrigged.

I started my daily morning ceremony with a special pleasure. It is just beautiful to do some boring and routine things before the most important action in your life. I put a derby on fire. I gargled my gullet. I threw out a pesky gnome from my kitchen through the door. After a minute he climbed up into the window… My perfect morning ceremony! I will miss this! But I must do this spurt. I must leave this purgatory. It was not ambivalent feelings. It was the pure and clear realization of truth. I must go.

I went down to the hall. I greeted madam Sienna, a seamstress in our parish. She is a good and very kind woman… She always presented to me broken needles and bended pins for my little hobby. I opened the door and came into the confessional room.

Forgive me, Father…

I wiped my knife on his cassock and stepped over his body. I became free.

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I mask the shadows under my eyes with coal.
I hide the paleness of my face under chalk.
I turn my broken movements into Butoh.
I’d gotten a pirate version of my life.
My being is counterfeit.
I’m a bug…

You look at me with unreserved admiration. You love my speaking glance, my noble pallor and my grotesque dance. You don’t know that it’s not a performance. You can’t guess that it’s my life. By the way… I keep the installation file still.

Do you want to try it?

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the Alabai

…I am still keeping this old dog collar. Why not? I always was a sentimental person. It is not just an old threadbare piece of a leather. It is my first dog collar.

I was afraid of dogs in my childhood, was afraid up to tantrums, up to fainting. And one day my father brought home a huge dog. It was an alabai. My father said that we should become friends with this dog. It would help me to get rid of my fear. And he handed a leash to me. I do not know from where my father borrowed this dog. But they were both calm…

We were walking side by side. I and my great fear. I was not breathing. An attempt to escape would have been equal to suicide, so I preferred this way. Yes, I was little and silly then. I was not able to make another decision…

I stumbled after few meters. I lost my flip flops and hurt my foot. I was lying on the road and not even crying… I was waiting for my death. And it jumped on me like a huge alabai.

Its tongue was cold and its breathing was hot. And my naked legs were absolutely defenseless… Cold and heat were drawing wide, wet stripes on my feet. Every stripe brought fear. Every stripe was bringing pleasure. And fear. A fear that precisely this stripe would be the last. The last one before pain. And it lasted indefinitely… I guess that was my first erotic experience.

I am not afraid of dogs now. But since then I wear shoes with laces. Always. Because I cannot lose them until a time I no longer want this.

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