Why I Don’t Call Myself a Feminist

This essay was recently recorded for a podcast that I host at Crumble Cult. If you want to hear the audio, you can access it here, here or here. You can even have a listen while reading the comic strip I initially based it on. Whatever you decide, I hope you enjoy reading the original text. Words on a page can sometimes resonate more than simple audio. We’re all about options here at Unbolt Me!

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I sometimes wonder if Eve was a feminist. Yes, that Eve. The one from the Garden of Eden. That same Eve who helped herself to forbidden fruit and used the devil as her skipping rope. Yeah, she really stuck it to god because that’s just what you do when someone’s being an authoritarian prick. God, the first patriarch versus Eve, the first underdog. It didn’t go too well for her in the end but at least she stood her ground. You’ve got to admire someone for doing that.

So, Eve, I salute you… but I still won’t call myself a feminist.

So, what is feminism exactly? Well, I don’t know if I’m the best person to be talking about this. All I do know is that it’s been much maligned and misunderstood since its inception. Throughout the ages, male and female alike have been quick to vilify and tear down any woman who dares to challenge society’s blinkered take on gender roles.

Still, does anybody even know what the word ‘feminist’ means any more? There’s a snifter of an ideal at play there—my nostril hairs divine that much at least. Any scholarly text will tell you that feminism was traditionally about advocating political change so that women had equal rights with men. Oh, and no more body shaming or rape. Or beatings. Or acid. Or genital mutilation. These and other means of punishing women for… well, being women.

So, the struggle was real, and it still is. That’s a fact. Parity of the sexes has still not happened. And there’s no good reason—nor has there ever been—for why women should still be treated as second class citizens. Globally, society really needs to do better.

Now, this is not to say that I believe all women are naturally kinder or more compassionate or generous or nurturing, and that they can do no wrong. For example, I don’t think a matriarchy would work any better than the patriarchy has. People are people and will still screw things up no matter what gender they identify as. Egos, incompetence and ill intent exist on all sides of the fence.

I think it’s fair to say that we’ve all been raised to believe certain lies about our so-called gender roles. If men are really predisposed to being thuggish, emotionally stunted, money-making, bash machines then it must hold that women are simply fuckable, child-bearing, disposable, self-denying machines, yeah? And that’s the natural way of things, right? No, it isn’t, and frankly everyone suffers when those so-called ideals are the ones that continually get pushed out there. And if you think they’re not, just glance at your nearest TV.

Of course, biologically speaking, there are differences between men and women. Most men can lift really big things. Most women can’t. Women get to have lovely, squidgy chest bits. Men get to have rather dubious, dangly, nether bits. Sure, men can aim their piss as a result, and women have to jockey into position, but is that really an advantage? Women can lactate after all, whereas men’s nipples are a joke. Of course, no one wants to see a breast-feeding father. Baby will be coughing up hairballs for a month and probably will need therapy for life! Nevertheless, these differences are there, and for some reason we get scared all of a sudden. And we go on the attack. That’s a shame.

Variety is the spice of life. It would be boring if we were all the same. Women are cool. So are men. So are trans, genderless, bigender, trigender, pangender, genderqueer, Harry Potter, kitchen sink, and whatever the hell else you wanna chuck in there—it’s all good! And, yeah, I really mean that. It really is all good, so how about we stop being scared?

So, anyway, this still doesn’t address my earlier question which was: Why won’t I call myself a feminist?

Okay, so we live in a patriarchal society, yes? I don’t seriously think that can be argued against any more because… well, evidence. On the whole, women haven’t enjoyed the same rights and quality of life that men traditionally have throughout history. We men have had an unfair advantage in a lot of ways and, frankly, it’s one that’s been collectively exploited to the hilt. That’s why there still aren’t enough women in positions of influence such as business, politics, religion, etc. So, parity in these areas is important and definitely needs to be worked towards.

But here’s where I may get myself into a bit of trouble. This patriarchy I speak of defines itself through the acquisition of money and power—power mostly. And it achieves this end by stomping on the weak and helpless. It always has. And this power that people hunger for is, to me, just vile ruthlessness dressed up as healthy competition. Sadly, it’s human nature to lift ourselves up by pushing others down. I guess it’s your call as to whether or not you’re personally guilty of this every once in a while, but I know I’m sure as hell am. It’s my belief that we just cannot help ourselves.

See, it’s often the use of force—whether physical or verbal—that gets us what we want. So, if force works, why change this for a more inclusive, even handed result? And it’s this mantra that feminism seems to be marching under right now. It seems to have adopted the patriarchy’s value system of power at all costs, so much so that there are feminists out there destroying each other over who truly counts as one of them and who doesn’t—establishing a pecking order as it were. And there are even others tromping about the place trying to shame everyone else in the world into labeling themselves feminists too—as if a mere label makes all the difference.

I can’t help but wonder if feminism has become a kind of dogma. And if so, is that really progress? Is that what we actually need? More people grubbing for the lion’s share of an ever dwindling ideological carcass-pie? More money, higher degrees and greater political and corporate clout for women everywhere are fair enough things for us to strive toward, but to what end? If everyone’s out for number one—themselves—then I fail to see how this benefits women in society on an individual level. If, say, a single mother’s lot isn’t improved but there are more Gina Rineharts in the world, then how is that better?

The patriarchy has always misused power. Why should I believe that a matriarchy would be any different? People have been known to swing their dicks around no matter what they’re packing between their legs—men and women. The fact is, we need everyone, and we all need to be in it together. We all need to hold each other accountable. Woman, man, gay, straight, brown, yellow, blue collar, white collar, politician. Everyone. This Frankenstein monstrosity we call a society cannot even begin to work unless we try collectively to shape it into some kind of Adonis.

Make no mistake, I need feminism to be in this world. I need their voices to be in the mix in order to experience as many different viewpoints in life as I possibly can. I don’t know everything and I never will. I’m not always right—as much as I’d like to be. I’m not perfect. I will hold wrong attitudes about women, and say and do the wrong things sometimes. In short, I probably will be a bit of a dick to womankind at some point, and that’s why I need feminists. Someone has to get it through my thick skull whenever I get it wrong. I need to not listen to respond, but to listen to understand. And that’s why feminists need to be there, to use their voice. Hell no. Let’s make it all women. All women need to use their voice.

At the end of the day, you’re just a woman. Beauty isn’t the most remarkable thing about you. At the end of the day, I’m just a man. Having a dick doesn’t entitle me to anything. Respect is intrinsic. It doesn’t matter what gender we are. There should be no conditions attached to treating someone with dignity. No one should have to earn anyone’s compassion.

And why should I have to identify as anything in particular anyway? Can’t I just use my own name? Sure, it was given to me—I had no say about that—but I like it plenty enough, and my parents raised me in such a way that the mere thought of hurting others can fill me with shame. As it ought. I was taught to know better. Their love ever so gently holds me accountable. Isn’t that enough?

We need to stop viewing women as the weaker sex, the fairer sex, or the whatever sex. Women aren’t in need of rescuing or being won like a prize. Nor are they victims. The more we see them as victims, the more we’ll kick them while they’re down, and then they’ll never be anything other than victims. You don’t need to be a feminist to comprehend that. The women in our lives are worth so much more than a label.

And to you women out there, remember this: You are real. You are all woman. You are human. You are whomever you want to be. And nobody can take that away from you.

by TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017

84 thoughts on “Why I Don’t Call Myself a Feminist”

  1. The only thing I would add ad infinitum is: ‘gender’ doesn’t exist. Gender is a societal construct created to enforce (and justify) a class system.

    Because the invented gender concepts separated aspects of the human psyche into male/female SEXES… then, as awake and aware and civil minded, equitable, people… women (and men) will need to learn to share those skills, abilities, and responsibilities traditionally denied. (NOT via superficial ‘identities’!)

    Liked by 2 people

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    • It’s a complicated subject. No worries. I still catch myself in semantical arguments when gender is used to replace the word ‘sex’. It’s almost social suicide to point it out though. 🙄

      Liked by 2 people

  2. can we not just be equals, stand up for equal pay and opportunities without having to shove my braless boobs into the air and declare, “hey look at me I’m liberated”. because for one thing I like wearing my bra and at the same time want to be treated as an equal wearing it

    Liked by 3 people

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  6. Feminism isn’t about forming a matriarchy. It’s about seeking equality. We just want our lives and our work to be as valued as the work of men. Plain and simple. No patriarchy. No matriarchy. Just equality in the eyes of societ and the law. We don’t want to throw the baby away with the bath water–we want clean bath water.

    Liked by 4 people

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  7. I understand your struggle because I feel the same way. I am feminist but I don’t relate anymore to most social media groups views that are increasingly becoming radical, they can sometimes be even worse than sexism. They try so hard to put everything in a box, checking what is evil or not. Life is meant to be lived, your are suppose to think not being spoon feed limits and rules.

    So you know what, why not call ourselves humanists? We are pro human. Respect everyone equally, respect nature and other animals. That is a good motto.

    Liked by 4 people

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    • ‘Humanist’. Now that’s a label I could get behind if I was so inclined. I like that! And, yes, I agree with you, Lea. We’re all of us pro human here. Let’s focus on that. It’s definitely what the true feminists are focused on, so why not the rest of us too? 😀

      Liked by 3 people

    • Humanist is a term that already exists, referring to a religious view (or, more properly, lack thereof). Humanism is an atheistic worldview that rejects the existence of divinities and places humanity at the point of primacy. It favors science and intellectual inquiry over religious dogma & faith (in the earliest, Renaissance, roots of the movement).

      Short version, there’s a lot of baggage with the term “humanist” that many wish to avoid.

      Liked by 5 people

    • Why not reform the term? Words gain new meaning after years why not do it with humanism?

      It was simply a suggestion, for lack of a better term. What word you suggest? Or should we just not use labels at all?

      Liked by 2 people

    • It generally takes decades, usually longer, to change a word’s meaning. The process is faster with words that have fallen out of use (ex. muggle) than with words that are still in common usage (ex. humanism). And it generally works better (lasts longer) and faster when it happens organically, rather than being imposed.

      In this case, trying to use humanism for the gender equality movement would create unnecessary confusion between two active movements.

      I would suggest feminism for exactly the reasons Diana notes.

      Liked by 3 people

    • I believe feminism is the right word also. But how do you take the negative connotation it gained in the past years? Specially in online communities?

      Liked by 2 people

    • Reclaim the word, reclaim the narrative. For the last 40 years, anti-feminist elements of society have been controlling the narrative & defining the term. It’s not easy, but it can be reclaimed through education (if I didn’t believe this worked, I’d be in the wrong profession) & example. It takes time, but has worked (ex. the LGBT community’s reclamation of the word queer and turning it into a positive).

      Liked by 3 people

    • So I read a book recently by Chimamanda Adiche “we should all be feminists” and I’d like to quote an excerpt to answer your question about why not call ourselves humanists.
      “Some people ask, ‘Why the word feminist? Why not just say you are a believer in human rights, or something like that?’ Because that would be dishonest. Feminism is, of course, part of human rights in general – but to choose to use the vague expression human rights is to deny the specific and particular problem of gender. It would be a way of pretending that it was not women who have, for centuries, been excluded. It would be a way of denying that the problem of gender targets women. That the problem was not about being human, but specifically about being a female human. For centuries, the world divided human beings into two groups and then proceeded to exclude and oppress one group. It is only fair that the solution to the problem should acknowledge that”

      Liked by 7 people

    • Thank you Diana!
      I think the problem is not the world itself, but some recent events that morphed it into something that is not.
      Feminism is about trying to find some balance between man and woman, treat each other with respect.
      Sadly, nowadays, people use it as a flag to cause more harm and anger. To expand on their own feelings and use it as a weapon because words can also be used for that purpose.

      At least in social media, where everyone is brave behind a keyboard.

      Liked by 2 people

  9. What most people misunderstand about feminism is that the term is not what it used to be anymore; Feminism isn’t about ‘women wanting/getting things they don’t have yet’ anymore. It’s not just about our rights to vote or the wage gap or the female quota in company management and politics anymore – that’s still a part of it, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not the main focus. What feminism in 2017 means is simply this: Men and Women are equal human beings. Men are allowed to cry during The Notebook without being called weak. Women are allowed to pick career over children without being called heartless. Men are allowed to wear makeup without having to justify their sexuality or gender. Women are allowed to not wear makeup without having to justify whether or not they take enough care of their appearance. I could go on but I’ll spare you. The ‘old’ feminism has brought us a lot of progress in the past, for which I’m grateful, but that kind of feminism is outdated now. I agree that a part of the feminist movement is people who completely misunderstand it, and women calling out other women for ‘not being feminist enough’ is the exact opposite of what we should be doing, and a lot of shit is still going wrong. But I happily call myself a feminist, because I want old stereotypes about how women and men are supposed to behave and supposed to look like to be history, and I believe if I treat everyone equally, maybe other people will notice how much better we would all feel about ourselves, and maybe they will start doing the same.

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