Don’t disregard to factor in the costs and benefits to your loved ones close-mouthed friends and classification as amply as deal with associates who are feigned by way of your baleful behaviour.
— SaturasIntagorgo
Dear SaturasIntagorgo, There are certainly benefits to using our loved ones and close-mouthed friends to cover up our baleful deeds, and we never miss an opportunity. We always wear gloves with their fingerprints on them, and carry samples of their DNA (they’ll think twice about spitting in our faces next time!). Right now we’re going to sneak into the kitchen and commit another crime of the century—pick the chocolate chips out of all the cookies—and none of the proof we leave behind will point to us. (Of course, we could do this after our loved ones and close-mouthed friends unlock the closet where they’ve detained us because they’ve decided to overlook our baleful behaviour.) — Tati & Tony (Two Astonished Miscreants Who Cannot Believe That a Close-mouthed Person Can Even Spit)
Goddess, I do love a girl, Ruby-lipp’d and tooth’d with pearl; If so be I may but prove Lucky in this maid I love, I will promise there shall be Myrtles offer’d up to thee.
TONY: Oh, so this is what you call being serious, huh? Well, anyway, I’m not ashamed of my anus. But I don’t go flashing it about in public either.
TATI:Well, that’s because you just don’t know about a certain something that can make your butthole flash, twinkle and shine bright like a diamond!
TONY: Why would I want my butthole to go off like fireworks at a Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade? That sounds pretty tacky.
TATI:Tony, you’re so old-fashioned. Now even cats wear it!
(Tati takes something small out of her pocket and tries to place it in Tony’s arse.)
TATI: Boom! Twinkle Tush!
(Tony, quite naturally, jumps away in surprise.)
TONY: Winkle what?!
TATI:You’re welcome! Now you can bathe in the warm rays of fame and hero worship!
TONY: More like in a river of shit! Yuck!
TATI:You’re so hard to please! Just look at this cat. It looks so happy! You can be happy too!
TONY: I’m not a freakin’ cat!
TATI:Well, it’s not my problem if you don’t want to be shiny and famous.
TONY: Okay, real talk here. Don’t you think it’s a form of animal abuse to be plugging up kitty bungholes? I do!
TATI:It’s not a butt plug! Just an elegant ass pendant. Do you think that is more abusive than a leash or a flea collar?
TONY: Oh! I thought it was something they were inserting in them. My mistake…
TATI:So, does this mean you change your mind and that you would like to own this shiny thing after all?
TONY: That’s a hard NO. Even if it’s not strictly abusive, it’s still as tacky as hell! And do you mean to tell me that you applaud something like this?
TATI:Honestly, I think it’s way better than piercing or tattooing animals, for example. Or docking their ears and tails for the sake of weird breeding standards that people invented for want of something better to do.
TONY: Look, since you put it like that then I have to agree. But I do think that an animal needs to have its dignity too. Is the sparkly anus cover really for its benefit or for the owner’s vanity?
TATI:Funny, the manufacturer of the Twinkle Tush says it was made exactly for keeping cats’ dignity, because they are supposedly ashamed to exhibit their naughty bits to public view.
TONY: Well, that’s not been my experience. Every cat I’ve ever met couldn’t wait to show me its anus. I never knew whether they wanted me to take a sniff or just be offended. And anyway, do cats ever think of their ‘naughty’ bits as something to be ashamed of? Isn’t shame purely a human construct?
TATI:I actually agree with you. Maybe they’ve never owned a real cat?
TONY: Perhaps not. Anyway, I think we project far too many human traits onto our furry friends. They don’t want our tattoos. They don’t want to wear cute little clothes. They don’t want anal bling! They just want to lick their genitals then go about their day.
TATI:Amen to that! Hey, where is the twinkle tush thingy?
TONY: How would I know? You were the one holding it!
TATI:You took it, didn’t you? Don’t tell me you’re not fond of tiny shiny things, Tony! I’ve seen your perverted collection!
TONY: Those are MARBLES, Tati, not glittery sphincter covers. There’s a pretty big difference, you know!
TATI:Then where is it, smarty pants?
TONY: Oh, look! See that magpie up on the roof there?
TATI:Hey! You feathery thieving freak! Bring that back right now! I paid a whole six bucks for it!
TONY: Wow. Such a wise expenditure of precious pocket money there, Tati. Bravo.
unbolt me 