Category Archives: AWARDS & OTHER POSTS

BUT IS IT POETRY? // Sunhibitionism

Midday bends
over a city
thoughtlessly,
sun nipple
slips out of cloudy brassiere
shamelessly. It’s hot.

1265542358_ornament

TONY: Wow. This poem’s as hot as I feel!

TATI: Really? Kewl…

(Tati sniffles. Her nose is very runny and red.)

TATI: Ahhh… ahhh… AH CHOO!

(Tony wipes himself off.)

TONY: Lovely. All. Over. Me. Thanks for that.

TATI: You’re welcome, Tony.

TONY: Could you maybe sneeze upwind in future? Anyway, let’s discuss this poem of yours. It’s called ‘Sunhibitionism’.

TATI: Yea… AH CHOO!

(Tony wipes himself off again.)

TATI: Sorry. That was upwind this time.

TONY: Good freakin’ god. It’s like sitting next to a sprinkler.

(Tati gives Tony a helmet.)

TATI: Will you ask me after all?

TONY: About the poem?

(He puts the helmet on.)

TONY: If I can just get a word in with all this projectile snot flyin’ about then yes, I will ask after all.

TATI: And…?

TONY: What made you think of equating weather patterns with the imagery of a woman bending over?

TATI: It was a cloud. Its shape reminded me of a bra… ah CHOO!

TONY: Thank the very Christ for this helmet.

(Tony wipes his visor off.)

TONY: So, do clouds often make you think of women’s undergarments, Tati? Are you some kind of pervert?

TATI: What? Of course no! If a cloud looks like a teddy bear, will you accuse me of liking bestiality too?

TONY: Well, I don’t know what kinkiness goes on inside your head.

TATI: Tony, are we discussing the poem here, or are you trying to fish out my hidden desires?

TONY: Oh, so you do it with fish now? What a sicko…

TATI: Are you going to discuss poetry after all, you freaking pervert? What about my use of imagery, metaphor, and meter? AHHH… CHOO!

(Tony wipes his visor off.)

TONY: You’re sneezing on me on purpose now, aren’t you…

(He takes off his shirt and wrings it dry. Tati sniffles.)

TATI: Dear Readers, because Tony is being extremely objectionable today, let me take up the reins.

TONY: Says the woman who sprays everything with mucous.

TATI: It’s a shadorma.

TONY: Is that what they’re calling it these days?

TATI: What’s that?

TONY: Snot. Shadorma. Must I spell this out?

TATI: Oh, hell. No! It’s a poetic form. Not what your sore fantasy suggests. And if you dare to call yourself a poet, you had better learn some theory!

TONY: Theory? Damn. Then I guess I’m no poet after all. I hardly know any theory when it comes to writing my poems.

TATI: AH CHOO! By the way… do you know? Whenever you say something and someone else sneezes at the same time, it means you are telling the truth.

TONY: I guess it’s confirmed then. I’m a hack.

TATI: Oh. Don’t you want to say, “Bless you?”

TONY: You’re like a cat, Tati. You always manage to land on your feet no matter how far you fall. I’m pretty sure you don’t need a blessing!

TATI: Sunhibitionism.

TONY: Are you sneezing again?

TATI: No, it’s a broad hint.

TONY: To talk about the actual poem, yes?

TATI: Hallelui… ah… ah… AH CHOO!

TONY: Good grief. Okay, so if the sun is like a nipple, is that why we’re often dissuaded from looking at it? It’s too rude, so we might go blind if we do?

TATI: Of course. It’s so mushy little boys like you, Bubby Tony, can continue to play with their toy soldiers… and don’t hide another issue of Playboy under your pillows.

TONY: Are you saying I’m too immature to appreciate your poem?

TATI: Yes, I think so. You’re focused on details and don’t see the whole picture. It’s like you giggle at the nakedness of Venus de Milo, or David. Or poke your finger at Madonna Litta. Ahhh… ahhh… AH CHOO!

TONY: So, is this a commentary on society’s collective shame regarding sexuality? Is that what you’re referring to here? And since when did you begin comparing your poems with the works of such masters? Not that I’m saying your poems aren’t worthy of scrutiny…

TATI: Oh my god! Really?! Was I able to drag you back to the main point of our discussion?

TONY: Hey, I’m perfectly capable of have an intelligent conversation y’know!

TATI: Says the man with a helmet on his head, and sprinkled all over with mucous shadorma!

TONY: Excuse me all to hell then! I’m off to have a much needed shower…

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017

Tati & Tony: Rock ‘n’ Roll Creatives!

Любий читаче, ти розумієш це речення?* If so, you’re in luck!

Intrigued? Details a smidge later, but first things first…

For the past five years, Tony has been faithfully writing and drawing the webcomic Crumble Cult, the existential adventures of Ernest Crumb, a professional fucker-upper of life. No one fucks up quite like he does! Tati joined this creative project about two years ago, and sincerely hopes that she hasn’t spoiled things.

Recently, Tony has gone back into the archive to give earlier strips in the series a bit of spit and polish. No longer satisfied with the original text’s aesthetic, he’s painstakingly updated it to be more reader friendly. Yes, that means you, dear reader! Your comfort matters!

By the way, do you know how many strips Tony has produced so far? Button would say, “One, two… twenty-gazillion!” But let’s be realistic—it’s substantially less than twenty-gazillion, but way more than one or two. Let’s just say it’s enough to fill two or three volumes of a book series which is exactly what Tati and Tony are currently working on behind the scenes!

But even that isn’t enough for this crazy international duo! Tati has also been working her trilingual ass off to bring you a Ukrainian version of the strip. Yes, that’s right! Soon you’ll be able to read a whole book of comics that have been translated into Ukrainian, so please do look forward to that!

И конечно, мы не забыли о ‘великом и могучем’.** The Russian version won’t be long in coming.

And, if that isn’t enough, there’s also Tati’s and Tony’s Patreon page to check out! That’s where they cover their creative process in more detail. You can thrill to their behind-the-scenes misadventures until your eyes bleed in protest. What fun! (Oops. It seems they’ve been caught red handed! It’s another brazen attempt to lure you to their Patreon page and divest you, dear reader, of your hard earned cash. How naughty!)

Anyhow, it’s best not to overthink all of this. Suffice it to say that Tati and Tony can play the fools all they want… but facts remain facts. They’re preparing a comic collection. It will be in three languages. It will rock. And they’re deadly serious about fulfilling all of their plans. Just you watch!

*Dear reader, do you understand this sentence?

**And of course, we did not forget about the ‘great and mighty [Russian language]’.

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017

TATI’S TRANSLATIONS // Icicles by Sudeep Sen

Cold blast from an electric vent bites my skin — this comfortable discomfort, prickling my pores bathed in an acrid glaze, transforms to frozen gold-salt.

Attaining instant freezing points might be a rare marvel of science; I like this hellishly good blast that shakes all the embedded molecules in my bones —

bones that are parched in heat, turn to skeletal icicles — a beautiful ballerina-geography of stalactites and stalagmites — each needle-end points towards the other

like the two longing fngertips in Michelangelo’s painting at the Sistine Chapel — desiring a touch.

Струя холодного воздуха, выползающая из вентиляционной решетки, жалит мою кожу. Ласковые крошечные клыки вонзаются в мои поры, впрыскивая ядовитое желе, которое моментально превращается в солоноватые золотистые кристаллы.

Крионика – одно из чудес науки; мне нравится этот маленький атомный взрыв, встряхивающий каждую клетку моих костей.

Мой скелет, сожженный радиацией, превращается в минеральную окаменелость. Мои ребра вытягиваются, словно ноги искусной балерины в батмане; мои кости растут навстречу друг другу, как сталактиты и сталагмиты;

как кончики пальцев на фреске Микеланджело в Сикстинской капелле в их отчаянном и неосуществимом желании соприкоснуться.

Poem by SUDEEP SEN
Translation by TETIANA ALEKSINA
© All rights reserved 2017

Open-Source Poetry #3

Dear Readers,

Our humble little Open-Source Poetry experiment continues, and it’s clear that you’ve all been enjoying this opportunity to collaborate. It’s because of your efforts that a wonderful prickly new poem is being born, and we love it!

Seriously, we’re floored by the contributions we’ve received so far. So many of them! And so creative! Thank you so much for playing with us. We hope you enjoy the line we’ve chosen. It was written by none other than artsychick82. Your contribution was precisely what we needed!

So, to everyone else, welcome to the next round! We can’t wait to be surprised by your unexpected word wizardry. We can’t wait to have our socks knocked off then knocked back on again! Go nuts, Dear Readers! Bristle! Crackle with invention! Buzz!

Oh, and for those that require a little refresher of how this all works…

1) We provide the next line of the poem.
2) You write the following line.
3) You submit your line via the comments section of this very post.
4) We pick the line we like most and add it to the poem.
5) We publish every line to date in a follow-up post.
6) Steps 1-5 are repeated until we have a masterpiece!

Let’s keep the madness going!

Вензель

What if I said sorry for saying sorry all the time?
Or should I just give you a baby porcupine?
Alas, it will be one and the same outcome
Saying sorry results with quills in your bum

From now on I will change my approach Вензель_нижний

by TETIANA ALEKSINA, TONY SINGLE, PHOENIX RISEN & ARTSYCHICK82
© All rights reserved 2017

SPAM® Sushi #3

Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as though you relied on the video to make your point. You definitely know what youre talking about, why throw away your intelligence on just posting videos to your site when you could be giving us something informative to read?

—Gold

Dear Gold,

We understand your noble indignation. Of 468 published posts and 12 published pages, there can be found 1 video (0.21%), 10 audio posts (2.08%), 14 art posts (2.92%) and 455 text pieces (94.79%). You’re so right! That percentage of video posts is shockingly high!

And you know what else? Literally two days ago, we posted a 2nd video which bumped the aforementioned percentage up by a factor of two! SCANDALOUS! This is completely unacceptable for a blog that shamelessly bills itself as a ‘literary asylum’!

Please be assured that we are now hanging our heads in shame, and shall return to our padded cells without our customary cups of hot cocoa. We need to think long and hard about what we’ve done. There might even be self-flagellation and some disciplinary botty spanking too.

—Tati & Tony (Videographers of Extreme Deceitfulness)

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017