Category Archives: BOOKS

a Maniac (Fragment #026)

I pressed a latch and closed my eyes. My heartbeat started to slow down. I wasn’t late… which meant that I could continue with my education… and my language acquisition. Damn! Chilperic was especially tiresome today. Generally, he doesn’t grumble much… but today he was a true bore! He tried finding out where I spend my evenings.

“Er versucht zu dahinterkommen!” [German: He tries to unearth!]

I smiled at this thought. Anyway – I’m lucky! To get to have free practice with a native speaker… 24/7… How many people can boast that? I can! My teacher is watching TV… I hope the sound will not muffle his comments.

“Stumpfsinn! Wer so spielt?!” [German: Hebetude! Who plays like that?!]

It’s a pity that I can’t write now… though I can hear the pronunciation perfectly.

“Sie schreiben Grabinschrift in diesem Augenblick!” [German: They write an epitaph in this moment!]

No… it was not for nothing that I came to him the first night. Of course, he does have some problems with social adaptation and interpersonal relationships… but now I’m sure I will be able to pass my exam.

I adjusted my handcuffs… they are broken and slip down my wrists constantly… I spoiled my restraints the first evening. Wow! Our project is ‘Super force for Super dweebs’… Didn’t I say that yet? If you’ll remind me to explain I’ll narrate… later… Oh, Henry… I miss you!

I leaned against the radiator and continued to sweat over SWOT analysis.

“Ich murre – Du murrst – Er murrt” [German: I grumble – You grumble – He grumbles]

“Stop mumbling! Stop your fucking Geschwatz!” [German: Verbiage] What do you do?

I bit my tongue. Breaking News started. My teacher was again the head-liner. I’ve heard this for the hundredth time now… A maniac… kidnaps girls… has German accent… be careful… call the police… Blah-blah-blah… I yawned.

While I was falling asleep near the radiator, I was imagining a surprised look on my sweet Chilperic… When he hears my German, he’ll be stupefied… I adore his stupid face in such moments! (to be continued)

by TETIANA ALEKSINA
© All rights reserved 2014

a Kinetic tattoo (Fragment #021)

OK… Our acquaintance with Henry was idiotic, like any acquaintance of two idiots. (I omit all pungent details of our acquaintance, with your permission. I’ll try to be brief today… My lovely pious professor doesn’t like ‘too many fucking letters’ and I don’t want to hear again where I should shove my essay this time)

Henry was chuckling at my liberal education and letting himself make ambiguous jokes about my thinness. He was an intolerable, nasty brat… Henry was a classic geek! We therefore immediately became good friends.

I had just outlived my arbitrary half-life period and had a lot of free time till my next conscription. Henry and his bold projects were the best way to overcome my mental slumber. I became a habitue of his garage and a guinea-pig for his crazy experiments.

“Throb with your mind, not your ass!”

It was a slogan of the project ‘A kinetic tattoo’. My first and my favorite project with Henry… I was insisting on a holmium because my kin hates silver. But Henry was adamant despite my entreaties – only silver nitrate! I surrendered and took off all my piercings. I wanted to have a barcode like my favorite Hitman… but Henry again won. I got a big Celtic pattern from my wrist to my elbow. But I wasn’t offended. Anyway, it was cool! It was fucking great COOOOOOOOOL!

I was able to turn on light bulbs with just my touch. But it was a trifle, just a childish trick. Spoiling household appliances was more interesting. The alarm clock on the nightstand, the cell-phone on the table, the radio receiver… My touch was deadly to them. I felt like Midas. But the most mind-blowing ability was telekinesis. My tattoo was able to generate a magnetic field and to move small metallic objects. It was a great fun!

Unfortunately, in two weeks my epidermis regenerated and the tattoo vanished… Henry published an article about it in the current issue of ‘Hacker’ and forgot about this project. But I haven’t forgotten.

(Hmm… too many letters again… Damn!) (to be continued)

by TETIANA ALEKSINA
© All rights reserved 2014

my Chilperic (Fragment #022)

The summer was over… Henry went to Cardiff and I got back to my tasks in the Federal Museum. It’s not a gainful place. De facto, I’m a volunteer. But I really love this work. And, of course, I do get some benefits from my work.Who am I? I’m a curator of a few departments there, including the department of my own species. It lets me correct the records with some facts and fables about us. People like to hunt for our heads. My corrections help save lives… and to have a little fun. It was I who invented the legend that we like to dance on tiptoe and cannot understand jokes about Stierlitz… Of course, it was just out of my childishness, and I cannot honestly affirm that it’s very useful information. But that shouldn’t make you think that I’m just a foolish young wag at heart… I’m a scientist after all! I’ve made some important corrections as well.

For example, I changed ‘Trypophobia’ to ‘Metrophobia’ in all of our medical records. Oh! Sometimes I can even surprise myself! By the way, it’s of no use trying to convince someone that a fear of subways isn’t ‘Metrophobia’… I personally just prefer taking the shortest routes. I grab such unconvinced ignoramuses by their collars and invite them to take a little ride on the roof of the carriage with me so I can teach them what a TRUE fear of subways is! And I’m glad to have such opportune days. But days when I meet with people who truly know what ‘Metrophobia’ means… I’m not so glad… I’m happy!

What can be better than killing accompanying poetry? It’s an elusive sensitivity… a vivid and exciting feeling! They hope to make me weaker… they are perplexed… they cannot understand why I mock. I have heard plenty of poems… by many poets… in various languages… Some poems I bestow the stubborn ears of know-it-all jackasses, to listen to until the end of the line. Some poems I snub abruptly, cutting them down in the middle of their first lines. Anyway, nothing could change the final act of these little poetic theater performances. But one day, I thought I would have another happy ending’s poetic justice when something unexpected happened.

He was declaiming ‘The Word’ by Gumilev. He had an ill-affecting accent. My wall of defense fell. I wasn’t able to kill it with my fiery brand of poetry… I have burned out his memory. I gave him a fiery brand new name. I created him anew from scratch. My forum of conscience…

My Chilperic. (to be continued)

by TETIANA ALEKSINA
© All rights reserved 2014

My special thanks to Cyan Ryan
for grammar corrections and improvement this essay!

Cthulhu, Part #2 (Fragment #020)

I glanced at the badge and said with my most seductive grin, “Mike, I want to exchange this pillow!”

“Sorry?”

Dammit… My sleepless night was probably affecting my skills of seduction. Or else I should have dressed up my presentation with another gleaming cuspids’ grin… I licked my lips and said again, “I want to exchange this pillow, baby!”

The last word, I added in vain.

“Are you a fool, baby? Or is it hungover syndrome, baby? Is it serviceable? Yes? You should read the rules at least once. Exchanges are impossible!” He looked at me crossly. “Tux? Schrodinger’s cat? Alfred Pennyworth? Take these instructions and get out! I’m busy!”

I didn’t have the strength for the scandal of this argument. I took the white brochure and plodded to my room at a snail’s pace.

I’m sure only Dummies read manuals… I felt like a mentally retarded person as I started to page through the brochure. Introduction. Getting started. I decided to start at ‘appendices’.

Appendix A, ‘The Dream-book’. A hookah… A spliff… There was nothing about Cthulhu, octopuses and ‘to zohavat’. I checked Appendix A twice. I felt I was struggling mentally… A leap ‘A visit from grandma or take part in a swingers party.’ Now, I would agree with both variants, and I would even agree to combining them… I would agree to anything except for Cthulhu!

I opened Appendix B. ‘The 10 Commandments’. Thou shalt have no other pillows. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy pillow. Thou shalt not take vengeance on thy pillow. Thou shalt not kill thy pillow.

I gasped. What bullshit?!

Suddenly it dawned on me. They are kidding me! It’s April Fools’ Day! Our office inherited this silly tradition from the Research Institute that was here before us. (to be continued)

by TETIANA ALEKSINA
© All rights reserved 2014

My special thanks to Cyan Ryan
for grammar corrections and improvement this essay!

Cthulhu, Part #1 (Fragment #019)

I ruined my first pillow. My left eye-fang punctured a microchip on its case.

A guy from the supply department laughed at me, but he still gave out a new pillow afterwards. The first case always comes with an implied warranty. Nobody can restrain themselves the first time… except the guy whose nickname is ‘Cloistress’. But I doubt he is ever fully conscious as I always see him junked-up. Either way, it’s true – he has never ruined a pillow. The complete moron!

I unwrapped its thin yellow paper, seeing it was covered with unintelligible squiggles… Jeez! I was a bit bewildered… The configuration of my new pillow was strange to say the least. I would even say its configuration was suspicious. It conjured up associations with Cthulhu. But on the other hand, it wasn’t half-bad… there would be minimal risk of my biting Cthulhu. My previous pillowcase had a picture of a woman’s breast, and that ended quite sadly for both of us.

I slept horribly, though.

…Cthulhu told me that I am an apostate, and a coward. He was demanding the reopening of an investigation against Paul the Octopus. I protested and though my protests were pathetic, I too thought Paul was a hypocrite and a charlatan…

By morning I had firmly committed myself to exchanging this hellish pillow. I didn’t know then that we don’t choose our pillow… it’s vice versa. (to be continued)

by TETIANA ALEKSINA
© All rights reserved 2014