Category Archives: TATI&TONY

100 WORD SKITTLE // Leaking the Dream (Follow-up to Lurking the Dream)

I wasted no time, stepping into the stormwater drain to retrieve the kitten before it drowned. Wind railed at my back, and the first huge drops of icy rain began to plap on the scruff of my neck. I shivered, my foot slipped on the slick ladder, and I fell in.

I flailed momentarily before my head cracked into the sewer wall. The last thing I remember was my face in bloodied water, my scattered manuscript pages, and a title that read ‘Look What the Kitten Dragged In’.

There was a mewl from somewhere in the darkness.

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2018

SPAM® Sushi #6

I announce your letter for letter all over and over, but its euphonious medicament cannot eject my breast.
— RunakMl

This is the first consumer complaint we’ve ever gotten, so you can colour us surprised! Neither Wonder Woman nor Lady Gaga have reported issues with ejecting their breasts while using our particular brand of ‘euphonious medicament’ (to use your words). Of course, if you’re completely unhappy with the results, we’d be happy to refund your money. Naturally, we’d first need to ensure that you’ve followed the enclosed instruction leaflet to the letter. For maximum breastal ejectage, the rigorous steps and safety standards outlined therein must be strictly adhered to. Even with our patented and FDA approved aural ointment, expelling mammary glands from one’s own person is still not an exact science. Thank you for alerting us to the issue you’ve had with ejecting your breast. We’re sorry that you’ve been unable as of yet to attain the flat-chested results you desire. Perhaps if you rubbed some more on? You can always contact us again if the problem persists.
— Tati & Tony (Qualified Pharmaceutical Noise Wizards of Breastacular Evacuations)

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2019

barefoot rendezvous

i kiss the road with my bare feet
the ground’s womb heat my sole to keep
i am the lover, it the bed sheet
i imprint upon reality’s sleep

i make love in gentle dust
with intuition, shuffle and brush
a happenstance witness, stray wind’s gust
it scarpers in a flustered rush

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2018

See Ya Next Year!

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2018

To Whom it May Concern

From: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer <rreindeer@rovaniemi.fi>
To: The Christmas Ombudsman <xmasombudsman@un.org>
Subject: Regarding the matter of ongoing reindeer rights violations
Date: 19 December 2018, 12:18:30

To Whom it May Concern,

I wish to bring to your attention the repeated flagrant breaches of labour laws, as well as contravention of occupational health and safety standards, under management of a Mr Santa H. Claus (henceforth referred to as the ‘Red Devil‘).

Breach 1: Physical abuse

According to guidelines, the average deer’s cargo capacity is 90-100 kg during winter and 30-40 kg during summer. Adjusted for the Bockelberg formula, the gross tractive effort of a sledge team that includes nine deer harnessed in tandem is about 40%. This means at Christmas time we can carry up to 360 kg, but not a metric tonne like someone counts!

We therefore demand that the aforementioned Red Devil complete a basic course in reindeer husbandry and transport engineering, and start a strict diet that does not include 6 packets of Jumbo Ho Hos a day. We will not budge on this.

Breach 2: Sexual abuse

In what reality is it acceptable for an overweight 1,748 year old white male to slap us on the ass and call us ‘dear’? Even with the quantum multiverse model of reality factored in, the total is none.

Not only is this behaviour patronising in the extreme, it also reduces us to mere pieces of meat, ripe to be ogled, demeaned, and condescended to. Several deer have already suffered severe emotional trauma due to this, and taken months of unplanned sick leave as a result.

Breach 3: Psychological abuse

Last, but not least, the gastronomical predilections of the aforementioned Red Devil.

He brazenly and callously consumes ‘rilkeil’ within eyeshot of all reindeer employees. As his waistline expands, more unplanned leave is taken, and morale plummets to an all-time low.

For your reference: “Rilkeil is a traditional Chukchi dish that is made from semi-digested moss from a slaughtered reindeer’s stomach mixed with blood, fat, and pieces of boiled reindeer intestine.” (Source: Nelson J. 2013. Before They Pass Away. teNeues, Kempen. 408 pp.)

We ask that you deal with this issue forthwith. He must not be allowed to ruin Christmas 2018 for everybody!

Regards,

Rudolph the Red-Nosed, the Shaft-Reindeer of Tinsel Squad (on behalf and upon authorization of: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen).

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2018