Tag Archives: Writings

Oops!… We Did It Again (awesome sauce)

Erm… hullo there. (This is rather awkward…)

Dear Reader, the stuff that was originally posted here has been removed.

We have done this because said stuff has since been included in one of our published books. We hope you’ll believe us when we say we’re not trying to be stingy. No, this has been done to honour the people who have already spent their hard-earned money on our eBook creations.*

If, however, for some reason you’re unable to buy one of our books, and feel you’ll die without seeing this piece of writing, then please contact us via admin@unbolt.me. We won’t allow our Dear Readers to fade away in the dark. We’ll send you the piece in question, and it will be absolutely free. All you need do is ask.

* Of course, we would be like two happy puppies if you too decided to buy one of our books.

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017-2018

GUEST POST // If the Tables Were Turned by Jane Paterson Basil

Please tell me, what would you do
if you were confined in a zoo
and all of the animals
from lizards to camels
strolled around pointing at you?

Now tell me, how would you feel,
if you were encased behind steel
while the chimpanzees
watched your antics with glee
and laughed at you eating your meal?

So, what if the tables were turned?
It’s time the corrupted ones learned
just like human beings
those creatures have feelings
and all of us should be concerned.

Inspired by the Government’s recent faux pas (how’s that for an understatement?) over the sentience of animals.

by JANE PATERSON BASIL
© All rights reserved 2017

Fuck-ups, Dreams & Harsh Reality

Is it the end of 2017 already? Damn!

In 2016, we published two books. In 2017, none.

In 2016, we met one time. In 2017, none.

In 2017, Tony didn’t become a heavy metal star, and Tati didn’t get her Noble Prize in literature.

But, hey, this doesn’t make us losers. After all, we have done other things! Let’s list them, shall we?

We’ve begun preparations to publish a Crumble Cult collection. Yes. In print. In three languages. Wow!

We’ve launched our very own Patreon page, and now have the financial support of some very generous benefactors. We could not do any of this without you guys!

We’ve also started some new books, with plans for more. One about cavemen. Another featuring a marshmallow tree. Yet another covering the ABCs of life. And Tati’s novel continues apace.

Tati even achieved some personal career growth. She got herself a new office, huge table and colleagues. And she got a bigger salary. But she would also be happy to kick all of this to hell and spend life as a writer of renown in some exotic, far-off clime!

Oh, and Tati began learning to draw. (Watch out, Tony, she’s going to take your job!) Tati even proved herself as a translator, and continued her education in English. So many strings to her bow!

Speaking of Tony, he got a new mop, cleaning agent and rubber gloves in 2017. He even played some exciting video games and continued dreaming of being Tati’s dogsbody in some exotic, far-off clime. He dreams big, you know!

Tony also continued to sweat over the editing of Tati’s writings, and tried to be impeccably polite about the quality of her drawings and pronunciation.

Anyway, 2017 has made us very sure that we’re on the right path. You see, Unbolt Me is no mere whim. We do crave to change our lives, and in so many respects. Just watch us!

Dear Reader, we want to thank you for walking with us every step of the way these last few years. It’s a long journey we’ve embarked upon, and we are grateful for your company. Seriously, your support means a lot to us!

Ultimately, the measure of our success will be the people who sniff the new print smell of one of our books. It’s a thought that warms us. It motivates us. And it’s you, Dear Reader, who will make that possible.

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017

Authentica (Fragment #023)

“Here you are!”

Maybe I’d plopped my notebook down a little too cocksurely, but I was feeling pretty confident. Hell, I’d been sweating over this essay for two whole nights, rummaging through the dullest monographs and sneezing up billows of agelong library dust.

The professor picked up my notebook with two fingers, kind of like it was a filthy toad. Well… actually, I consider toads pretty cool. Take, for example, Hypnotoad or Kermit. Or, even, Jin Chan. I remember, once…

“… plague!”

His harsh voice made me jump. Damn! It looked like I’d lost the plot again. I needed to concentrate. What the hell was he saying? Yes, toads were  ‘The Second Plague’, but had I said something about toads out loud?

I raised my eyes and stole a look at his reflection in the dim windowpane. Then our eyes met. For a fleeting second it seemed as though his glance was flaring a bright orange, but when he turned to me, his eyes were yellow as always. This angry look was a storm warning.

“Too vague! Up in the air! It’s a mere dalliance with the topic, not an exploration!”

Why was he always on my case? But there was no sense in arguing… at least not now. This morning, I’d heard how Uranus had said something about the Moon being in Aries and that one should avoid open conflicts. (If someone had said to me some months ago that I would make decisions with an eye to this cosmographic crap, I’d have given them a ‘Screw Loose’ sign. But this University can make anyone superstitious like the last pea goose in existence.)

I took my unfortunate essay and went to the door. I had almost stepped into the corridor when his acrid voice struck my ears.

“And don’t forget that using translations in research is  ‘mauvais ton’. If you want to get a decent result, you must work with authentic texts only!”

Huh? Ball and Tzara? In the original? I fucking like it!

by TETIANA ALEKSINA
© All rights reserved 2017

THE ABCs OF A PECULIAR LIFE // F is for Fallow & Freckles

Kamil had been cultivating freckles all his life. It was a respectable family-run business. His father, his grandfather, and his great grandfather before him had all been freckle growers of considerable renown. Their freckles were the pigmentiest of all freckles, and as such beyond compare.

Of course, the business had had its ups and downs throughout the years. They’d almost gone bankrupt in the Victorian era. The skinny, pale, society bitches had shown a preference for frills, power-cleavage and arsenic rather than healthy, non-GMO, organic freckles. But then freckles went gangbusters in the swinging sixties, and the advent of flower power and nude love-ins made everything better. Freckles staged an unexpected comeback.

The golden age of hippiedom returned hope and prosperity to Kamil’s family, and so they dared to buy extra hectares of arable lands. They began growing new varieties of freckles, the more popular ones being shaped like horseshoes, others that twinkled like newly pledged promises, and even more that could be removed and placed elsewhere on the body at will.

Soon, everyone who was anyone was lining up to buy freckles to adorn their bodies with. It got to a point where such luminaries as Mark Zuckerberg, Prince William, Ron Weasley and even Peppermint Patty were counted among Kamil’s most elite clientele. And although negotiations with Leonardo DiCaprio and Garfield regrettably fell through, the demand for freckles was so great that their loss was barely felt.

Of course, the word ‘fallow’ should also be remembered at this point. Growing freckles depletes the soil badly, and after every harvest it’s recommended that the land be left to rest for a period of at least twelve months. If this is not adhered to then instead of freckles only polka dots for panties will grow. But who wants to wear polka dots on the face? No one, that’s who! And that’s why Kamil failed to become a gazillionaire. Alas!

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017