Monthly Archives: November 2017

THE ABCs OF A PECULIAR LIFE // G is for Giraffe & Geniality

My neighbour is a giraffe. She’s just given birth to two little babies. Well, they’re little as far as she’s concerned, but big as far as the rest of us are concerned. It’s a matter of perspectives, I suppose. And ladders.

Sometimes my neighbour forgets to put on her maternity bra. When she comes over for afternoon tea, she accidentally lactates all over my fresh clean tablecloth. I know she can’t help it, and there is such a thing as postnatal depression, but still…

Look, no one likes to be rained upon—that’s all I’m saying. Now I’ll have to put the Royal Doulton teacups through the industrial grade autoclave. And, well, she’ll be visiting again tomorrow…

I hope she doesn’t cry. The leaking is bad enough, but the emotional fallout? I don’t know what to do with that. How many times can she keep forgetting? How long must I play the hospitable host?

by TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017

Oops!… We Did It Again (acetic simper)

Erm… hullo there. (This is rather awkward…)

Dear Reader, the stuff that was originally posted here has been removed.

We have done this because said stuff has since been included in one of our published books. We hope you’ll believe us when we say we’re not trying to be stingy. No, this has been done to honour the people who have already spent their hard-earned money on our eBook creations.*

If, however, for some reason you’re unable to buy one of our books, and feel you’ll die without seeing this piece of writing, then please contact us via admin@unbolt.me. We won’t allow our Dear Readers to fade away in the dark. We’ll send you the piece in question, and it will be absolutely free. All you need do is ask.

* Of course, we would be like two happy puppies if you too decided to buy one of our books.

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017-2018

TATI’S TRANSLATIONS // Icicles by Sudeep Sen

Cold blast from an electric vent bites my skin — this comfortable discomfort, prickling my pores bathed in an acrid glaze, transforms to frozen gold-salt.

Attaining instant freezing points might be a rare marvel of science; I like this hellishly good blast that shakes all the embedded molecules in my bones —

bones that are parched in heat, turn to skeletal icicles — a beautiful ballerina-geography of stalactites and stalagmites — each needle-end points towards the other

like the two longing fngertips in Michelangelo’s painting at the Sistine Chapel — desiring a touch.

Струя холодного воздуха, выползающая из вентиляционной решетки, жалит мою кожу. Ласковые крошечные клыки вонзаются в мои поры, впрыскивая ядовитое желе, которое моментально превращается в солоноватые золотистые кристаллы.

Крионика – одно из чудес науки; мне нравится этот маленький атомный взрыв, встряхивающий каждую клетку моих костей.

Мой скелет, сожженный радиацией, превращается в минеральную окаменелость. Мои ребра вытягиваются, словно ноги искусной балерины в батмане; мои кости растут навстречу друг другу, как сталактиты и сталагмиты;

как кончики пальцев на фреске Микеланджело в Сикстинской капелле в их отчаянном и неосуществимом желании соприкоснуться.

Poem by SUDEEP SEN
Translation by TETIANA ALEKSINA
© All rights reserved 2017

Open-Source Poetry #3

Dear Readers,

Our humble little Open-Source Poetry experiment continues, and it’s clear that you’ve all been enjoying this opportunity to collaborate. It’s because of your efforts that a wonderful prickly new poem is being born, and we love it!

Seriously, we’re floored by the contributions we’ve received so far. So many of them! And so creative! Thank you so much for playing with us. We hope you enjoy the line we’ve chosen. It was written by none other than artsychick82. Your contribution was precisely what we needed!

So, to everyone else, welcome to the next round! We can’t wait to be surprised by your unexpected word wizardry. We can’t wait to have our socks knocked off then knocked back on again! Go nuts, Dear Readers! Bristle! Crackle with invention! Buzz!

Oh, and for those that require a little refresher of how this all works…

1) We provide the next line of the poem.
2) You write the following line.
3) You submit your line via the comments section of this very post.
4) We pick the line we like most and add it to the poem.
5) We publish every line to date in a follow-up post.
6) Steps 1-5 are repeated until we have a masterpiece!

Let’s keep the madness going!

Вензель

What if I said sorry for saying sorry all the time?
Or should I just give you a baby porcupine?
Alas, it will be one and the same outcome
Saying sorry results with quills in your bum

From now on I will change my approach Вензель_нижний

by TETIANA ALEKSINA, TONY SINGLE, PHOENIX RISEN & ARTSYCHICK82
© All rights reserved 2017

SPAM® Sushi #3

Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as though you relied on the video to make your point. You definitely know what youre talking about, why throw away your intelligence on just posting videos to your site when you could be giving us something informative to read?

—Gold

Dear Gold,

We understand your noble indignation. Of 468 published posts and 12 published pages, there can be found 1 video (0.21%), 10 audio posts (2.08%), 14 art posts (2.92%) and 455 text pieces (94.79%). You’re so right! That percentage of video posts is shockingly high!

And you know what else? Literally two days ago, we posted a 2nd video which bumped the aforementioned percentage up by a factor of two! SCANDALOUS! This is completely unacceptable for a blog that shamelessly bills itself as a ‘literary asylum’!

Please be assured that we are now hanging our heads in shame, and shall return to our padded cells without our customary cups of hot cocoa. We need to think long and hard about what we’ve done. There might even be self-flagellation and some disciplinary botty spanking too.

—Tati & Tony (Videographers of Extreme Deceitfulness)

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017